Pets – If luvin them is wrong, then I don’t wanna be wrong

Who wears a tie with pajamas, anyway?

Pets – If luvin them is wrong, then I don’t wanna be wrong

I just returned home from an eight day trip to India, and, as usual, my Border collie greeted me with sincere enthusiasm.  She is usually so excited when I return from a trip that she looks like she is having a seizure.  (I often have that effect on women). Whenever I am gone for an extended trip overseas, or even to the hardware store, she goes nuts when I come home.  I guess a person can’t say that’s a bad thing. For years my daughters made a game of who could kiss me hello first when I returned from work each day.   I loved the attention, but it was evident that this game became less and less about showing me affection and more about sibling competition.  This was in the early days of video games, so I suspect they were pretending I was a space alien, being killed by their kisses.

At 2am this morning, one of our cats woke us up with her snarky, irritating meow.  She wanted food.  Or water, or nuclear disarmament of all western nations, or whatever.  We never know what she wants, but we can’t get her to stop waking us up.  She seems to have no concern about it being the middle of the night.  If I bought her a kitty wrist watch maybe she would she pay attention to the time?  I really don’t think she cares.  She wakes us up, which then wakes the dog, who wants to go out, and then will bark later to be let back in.  It is a nightly ritual that I don’t miss when out of town. 

Sometimes I think we are trapped in a come-to-life version of the Flintstones cartoons from the 1960’s.  The dog wants out, the cats want in, and there is continuous turmoil about which pet wants to be where.  I may have to give up wearing my leopard skin pajamas.  I don’t want to be seen wearing them outdoors as I pound on the door to wake up the wife after the dog locked me out of the house.

That old, crabby cat has always been crabby, so it is not an age thing.  She has been like this ever since we rescued her decades ago.  (Never do this).  All our pets are rescues, either from an animal shelter, or from being abandoned by someone smarter than us.  You’d think that these pets, after we take them in, clean them up, feed them and get them to the vet, would show some appreciation.  But no.  They just act like dogs, or cats, or goats*…. or whatever.  They owe us BIG, but you’d never know that by their attitude. 

We have another adopted dog, a Great Pyrenees, who is barking outside right now.  He was abandoned by someone who moved from a neighboring farm and so we started feeding him.  He is a very, very large dog, with long white-ish fur, a black nose and black eyes.  When I first saw him, slowly lumbering around in the pasture, I thought he was a polar bear.  But since free ranging Polar bears are not common in Texas I knew that was unlikely.  This dog spends most nights, trotting around in the woods, with his head to the ground, barking at nothing at all.  Apparently he thinks this is his job description. It gets very irritating and we are afraid either he will get shot by a neighbor or they will shoot us for saving him.

We moved out to the country about five years ago.  (It only seems like five decades ago) and the first country pets we inherited were some goats* that a friend of mine had too many of.  He lives in far west Texas and bought goats* to raise for meat.  He quickly realized that due to the romantic nature of goats* they soon multiplied.  The goats* were eating the grass down to the dirt, so he asked if we wanted to take some.  (That was a dumb question to ask my wife, the fetching Mrs. Intrepid Traveler).  She is intellectually brilliant but somehow could not form the word NO when asked this question). So we drove out there (12 hours each way) and spent half a day chasing goats*.  We caught two lambs.  Lucky us.

I have included an (*) after the word goat, because these goats* were not goats* after all.  They turned out to be sheep.  Not that it matters what type of critter they are, since every pet is an animal that eats, poops, needs shelter, and needs their own vet.  I think we discovered the goat* mis-identification after one goat* started getting romantic with the other goat*.  Eventually a third goat* appeared as a result of the romantic encounters, if you know what I mean.  Well, time marches on.  We were given another free goat (no asterisk this time since it really was a goat) that was no longer wanted by someone who was raising show goats for the county fair.  We took in the spare goat.

My wife’s pet adoption attitude may have been the basis for an urban legend which was started to save parents from having to tell their kid that the family pet died.  Kids….if your mommy and daddy ever said they took your pet to out to the country to live on a farm…..it could have happened for real at our place.  My wife is the living embodiment of this urban legend, and I get stuck with the vet bills.  What’s wrong with this picture?

Anyway, I digress.  The spare show goat soon became the object of affection of that amorous ram (goat* or sheep? Now I am totally confused).  Well, he did what animals do in the barnyard and somehow managed to impregnate the real goat.  We took the real goat to the vet. He assured us that it was impossible for one species to impregnate another species.  But it happened.  (This might also explain the existence of Liberals?). This one ended as a miscarriage and, of course, a large veterinarian bill.  I told the vet, “Sir how dare you invoice us for an impossible medical condition?”  (Actually, that’s what I wanted to tell him that, but didn’t since I am a pet wimp.)

Another of our goat stories is more tragic.  When we lived in suburbia, one daughter wanted to raise show animals for the county fair.  This seemed like a harmless way to keep her out of jail, so we funded her activities for every year of her high school doing this. She raised show steers, and one year she raised a goat too.  (a real one).  I remember one night, she was out tending her animals, when I heard a commotion going on at the front door.  I look out the door’s window and see a goat’s head, complete with horns, staring back at me. I open the door and my daughter spilled into the house, carrying her goat that weighted nearly as much as she did.  She yelled that the goat was sick with a fever.  We helped her get the animal into the tub, where we iced it down to reduce its body temperature.  I am not sure of all the events that occurred with this but the goat, sadly, did not make it. 

I am sure that not many of you have been greeted at your front door by a sick goat needing to borrow you tub for a bath.  Or maybe you have.  That might explain why you are still reading my stories.

To summarize:  Do not purchase, rescue, or temporarily agree to shelter, any kind of pet, of any type, breed, or species, from anyone.  Just like the warnings announced in the airport:  do not accept packages from anyone you don’t know or do know.  If you ever do find yourself at a weak moment, about to agree to rescue an animal, immediately stop the process and mail me your wallet.  You can thank me later.  But not at 2am.  And not in person.  I don’t want you to see me, locked outside, in my leopard skin jammies.

All the News that’s fit to plagiarize

All the News that’s fit to plagiarize, satirize, or bastardize, from the Sub-Continent.

 

“First, don’t do anything stupid…unlike the American voters”

Today’s headlines, ripped from real life fiction.  Yes, Gentle Readers, it’s time for another installment of news from India, the Sub-Continent.  The term “Sub-Continent” became popular after the Brits took over vast land holdings in India.  They used the land to grow submarine sandwiches, which had been popularized by King Jared of England, who lost 50 stone weight by eating a diet of only submarine sandwiches.  This was later referred to as the Paleo diet, because all Englishmen have a rather pale complexion.

International terrorist news - An Al Qaeda spokesman, recently interviewed, lamented the lost glory days when they had a monopoly on terror.  Comparisons have been made of Al Qaeda being like the Microsoft monopoly of the terrorist world, when it was revealed that Al Qaeda means “Windows” when translated into English.  The version Al Qaeda 8.0, had a software glitch that allowed Navy Seal hackers to penetrate the Operations security system. The new Management at the firm have recently released an upgrade:  Al Qaeda 8.1, where the “start” button has been replaced by the “sword” button to euphemistically end the program.  In the “72 virgins edition”, they have the same button but labeled “detonation”.  You only push that button once.

Al Qaeda’s competitor in the terrorism industry is a newly formed organization known as I-SIS. It has become popular with hip young terror geeks, who claim that the I-SIS operating system is faster, more brutal, and savvier when using social media, like YouTube.  I-SIS even has a corporate logo that looks like an apple.  But everyone knows it is really a hand grenade. The I-SIS campaign to expand market share by stepping over red lines, has seen remarkable results, and they now dominate a new newly defined sales territory, I-Raq.  I-SIS is suddenly very profitable, after venturing into banking and crude oil production.  Next quarter’s corporate goal of I-SIS is to take over a region currently be serviced by another organization.  This new region, if I-SIS is successful, will be re-branded:  I-Srael. 

Political news:  Hillary Clinton was forced to abruptly cancel her India book signing tour due to lack of interest.  This came on the heels of her canceling the U.S. tour promoting her book about being Secretary of State.   Mrs. Clinton still had ten of the original dozen books that were printed for the U.S. market so she brought them to India hoping for a friendlier audience. 

Hillary was infamous for her ill-fated overture to Russia where she gave the Russian President a red “reset” button.  The Russians laughed at Hillary for the idea.  Her failure in India stemmed from a passage in the very last chapter of her book (chapter 2) where she told of giving the Prime Minister of India a smaller version of the red reset button.  In her book she said it was a “red forehead dot reset button”.  The India Prime Minister was not amused.   It was suggested to her that if the book had been printed on softer paper, that sales might have been more robust. There are 1.8 billion people in the country and there is a toilet paper shortage.

Washington D.C. - “Cautioner-in-Chief” Obama urged to do something. – When it came to light that over 100 U.S. citizens are now in Iraq and Syria fighting for ISIS, alarm bells went off in many political circles.  The potential for these individuals to return to the U.S. and cause harm has gotten many conservatives in a lather.  President Obama is being mocked for his “don’t do stupid shit” doctrine, which stemmed from his statement that he still does not have a policy for dealing with ISIS.  A recent headline suggests that there is growing pressure for Obama to abandon his minimalist foreign policy and “to do something stupid”. 

London – UK Cops tell victims to solve own crimes - Victims of petty crimes, like car theft, criminal damage, or dis-embowelment of prostitutes, are told to do their own detective work and investigate their own cases.  A report by the Inspectorate of Constabulary found that this do-it-yourself, or DIY trend was linked to the public’s viewing of certain television shows.  The viewing of TV shows that feature amateur sleuths solving crime, such as ABC’s “Castle”, and the PBS show “This Old Crime Scene” are fostering a new confidence about solving your own crimes, reports an un-named bank robber.  This un-named person happened to be investigating his own recent robbery of a bank.  “I am very close to solving this crime and my suspect is the notorious Al Capon”.  When questioned by a reporter about whether Mr. Capon could have actually done the crime, since he has been deceased for several decades, the investigator said, “Hey, we ought to throw the book at him!  Somebody gotta do the time!”  Mr. Capon was not available for comment.

And finally the lighter side of the news – Is your pet depressed?  Much like humans, your furry companions could also suffer bouts of depression.  What to watch for:  Pets who are withdrawn, have a lack of appetite, changes in sleeping patterns, dullness, or less chatty, These may be signs the pet may be suffering from either depression or from being covered with fur.  If your pet feels abandoned when you leave for a month, then do not let your pet see a calendar, or any multi-part television shows, so they won’t know how long you have been gone.  If your pet does not show signs of improvement after your return, one suggested treatment is to buy your pet his own pet. But make sure your pet is old enough to be responsible for his own pet.  And that your pet has no plans for any extended vacations.

Out of the Gulag, part 4 of Turkmen trip

Out of the Gulag

Send Lawyers, guns, and money.

I know what you are thinking.  You, the discerning reader of these Intrepid Traveler stories are thinking:  “wow, that Intrepid Traveler has led a charmed life.  He travels the globe, poking into the dark recesses of the world where ordinary humans never have a chance to look.  Back home, he has the Fetching Mrs. Intrepid Traveler to keep the home fires burning, and who blessed him with a beautiful, charming, witty child.  (Since I have more than one kid, it will be fun to watch them try to figure out which one I might be referring to)

Along with my charmed life, I am one who never seems to lose his cool. Well, I just about lost my famous cool on this trip.  Let me explain.

I flew to Turkmenistan to consult with a customer on some equipment that was not working properly.  The equipment was located one hundred miles from the nearest point of civilization, surrounded by a harsh desert.  The customer’s facility is essentially a work camp, and the only way in or out is to use their roads and go thru several of their security check points.  The moment I arrived at the “camp” I had a bad feeling about getting back out.

My colleague and I were greeted by a fellow who spoke limited English with a distinct Russian accent.  When he smiled he exposed his poorly capped gold teeth.  He asked for our passports and said he would return them soon.... “No worry”.   We were brain dead from 24 hours of travel, and without asking questions, we just handed them over. 

We were each assigned to a room.  This is where we would call home for the next week or two.  The indefinite length of time was a big concern for a control freak like me.  The room was about 10 ft by 10 ft.  It had a bed, a desk, and a broken chair.  There was a metal wall that partitioned off the bathroom.  The bathroom had a cheap shower curtain separating the shower from the toilet and sink.  It was illuminated by a single dim light bulb.  The shower wand was hooked to the wall if you wanted a hands free shower experience.  But the shower head was squirting water in all directions.  This might not have been a problem except there was an electrical outlet just inches away from the water splash zone.  I never smelled singed hair or burning flesh, so I apparently did not get electrocuted.  And yes, I did move the spray head. Over the sink was a small magazine sized mirror, hanging at an angle from a nail, which was about chest high to me.  When I looked in it I wondered where my head was.  (Thinking back to when I agreed to come here I wonder where my head was then, too.) 

Within an hour of check in, I heard pounding on a door down the hall, and someone saying WORK! My colleague, came to my room and said they want us.  We took a mini bus to another location which consisted of a row of sad looking one story buildings. There we met some of the managers, and were issued our work clothes.  Before making this trip I bought outdoor clothing specifically to wear here to help cope with the 100 degree heat, but we were told to wear the company issued pants and heavy cotton long sleeve matching shirt.  It was more like a uniform.  There was an underlying message:  we had to conform.  The uniform was bright red, as if to tell the wearer that there is no way to blend in with the desert fauna, and we will spot you if you try to escape.    

There were small trucks and SUVs constantly moving about the camp.  Each had heavily tinted windows so you could never tell who was in it.  I am surprised there were no armed guards visible.  The first full day at the camp we were taken into a brand new modern office complex then escorted into a stark conference room.  The room had a huge table in the center.  On the far side of the table sat some important looking Chinese men, who were never identified, and did not offer business cards.  Thru an interpreter, we were told, again, that there were problems with the equipment which we needed to fix.  

The interpreter was a tiny lady from the computer dept.   Her voice was so weak that I could hardly understand her.  She, like many oriental people, abhor exposing their skin to sunlight. So when she was outside she wore a full face shade, which covered her mouth and muffled her tiny voice.  She vainly tried, all week, to help us talk to our hosts, but bless her heart, she was not much help. Most of the communications were done by babbling and gesturing.

We spent the week being shuttled to various locations in the complex of petroleum refining facilities.  Our equipment was installed in the strategic piping all over these locations.  Wherever we went, there seemed to appear out of nowhere a collection of workers.  They gathered around like curious farm animals.  In all the locations we visited, there was never a problem with my product.  The problems were always with the instruments that were purchased to work with our equipment.

By the end of the week it was apparent to me that we were nearly done, so I contacted our agent for Turkmenistan by text messaging from a borrowed phone.  I told him to put the wheels into motion to get us out of the camp.  This meant booking the two hour flight back to Ashgobat, the capital of Turkmenistan, and start the long chain of flights back to home.  The two hour flight fills up quickly and if we missed one we would have to wait another 24 hours for the next one.  There was a lot of resistance about our departure from the Chinese management.  They thought we were leaving before we were done.  I tried to assure them it was not the case, but they came up with a list of 29 installations we needed to check before we left.  The Chinese were very relentless and this  list was going to kill our chance to get out of here .  I don’t know why they waited until the last minutes to show the list to me.   Maybe they are the real control freaks.  

On top of this we still did not have our passports.  We kept getting excuses for the delays, which always concluded with “don’t worry”.   Well, I was worrying.  An American passport is worth a lot of cash on the black market. My cell phone did not work in this country and the internet connection was unreliable.  I felt isolated from the world.  Was I destined to die in a desert camp that I could not find on a map?  I did not want to be here a moment longer.  These guys were in control and I really couldn’t leave without their assistance.  Inside my head, panic was creeping in.  I was losing my cool.

So I went into “American” mode.  I no longer waited for them to tell me where we were going or what we were doing.  I showed them the list and told them we were going to item one immediately.  We did.  And it turned out it was not even our equipment.  Item two was the same.  Way down the list we finally found something we needed to look at.  We did, and determined the problem and the solutions. From a list of 29 items only handful were even ours. 

So, in just a few hours after I felt the desert closing in on me, we flipped the situation around and were done.  We headed back to our camp.  Our driver was already there, so in short order we showered, packed and were on the road to the airport.  I told him to drive like he stole the car.  He did not understand the words, but knew the meaning.  Getting the hell out never felt better.

Collapse, part 3 of Turkmen trip

Photo courtesy of someone who owns a fire proof camera

Collapse, part 3 of Turkmen trip

I am here in the country of Turkmenistan.  It is mostly desert.  It would be a great place to visit if you enjoy a sandy Hawaiian beach vacation but do not like the water part.  Or girls in bikinis, or Mai-Tais, or having fun.  I am here to do some trouble shooting on my equipment used in a multi-million dollar project being built here in northeastern Turkmenistan.  This project is the construction of a facility to process natural gas, being produced here in the desert.  This area is much like West Texas, where eons ago, the area was covered by an inland sea.  (About the time when Willie Nelson first started in show business).  Bullions and Bullions of tiny sea creatures died and were buried.  This happened a lot of times.  (Probably bullions and bullions of time, unless some of those creatures were immortal).  Apparently proper diet and exercise was not part of their routine.  Their little crustacean bodies started piling up and magically fermented into flammable gas. 

The oceans went away, due to Global Drying and the area turned into a desert.  (Al Gore warned us about that too, back then, but he had not invented the internet yet, so we did not hear about it).  Now, the fermented crusty critter residue is ready to be used but is trapped under the sand.  Who the hell left all this sand, anyway?  So, rather than remove the sand, it is easier to drill a small hole in the ground and send a long tube down there to let the flammable gas out.  This is what the Communist Chinese are doing here now.

The Soviets were drilling this area back in the 70’s.  In one area, they hit a gas pocket and had a blowout.  A big hole opened up in the sand and the drilling rig sank into the hole.  (I mentioned this in a previous post). The flammable gas was bubbling up and could ignite.  So the Soviets removed the threat of the fumes in the hole being ignited by ….. (Wait for it)……. setting it on fire.  It is still burning nearly 50 years later and is a tourist destination for those who love to roast marshmallows.  Now that logic helps illustrate why the Soviet Union collapsed.  Perhaps their drilling rig was symbolic foreshadowing to what eventually happened to the Soviet Union.  They built a country (the drilling rig) on soft sand, (a communist economy).  It eventually collapsed, as all giant Centrally Managed economies eventually do. 

No one would have predicted, in the 1970s, the collapse of the Soviet Union.  But 20 years later it did.  And the aftermath is that there is still a dangerous hole in the ground that may never go away.  There are those today that think that China is the model for a giant centrally planned economy.  Really?  Tune back in for that outcome in 20 years.  I wonder if the Chinese are familiar with the phrase:     History does repeat itself.   Here is another prediction:  In 20 years, invest in Marshmallow futures.

A pleasant surprise, part 2 of Turkmen trip

Chef Boy R. Dee?

A pleasant surprise, part 2 of Turkmen trip                      

Since this is supposed to be a travel blog, I thought it might be nice, for once, to give you my opinion on some actual transportation choices.  What a concept.  If you read the newspaper, or received a personalized hand written card from me, you know that I am in route to Turkmenistan.  The trip over will be made in three flights, and hours of automobile travel.  In all, it will be over 24 hours portal to portal, so I have not been looking forward to this trip. 

Due to the uber thrifty (read:  cheap) company policy, I always have to fly Coach Class when traveling for the company, even on long, overseas flights.  The longest single leg flight I routinely take is 16 hours.  If you think of that in terms of an eight hour work day, then that flight is two full work days.  Yes, I am a math genius.  So, if you can imagine sitting in your office or cubicle, which has been reduced to the size of an elementary school desk, for 2 days, you can understand my lack of enthusiasm for taking any long trips.  Why is it that the people who make the seat buying decisions are always tiny people who have no appreciation for the value of leg room?

A colleague suggested I fly Turkish Airlines for this trip, so I asked our travel agent to book the flight with them.  When we got to the airport we were told that we could upgrade to seats with more legroom for $350 each.  Turkish Airlines refers to this as Premium Coach, and is what I originally asked our ticket person to book in the first place.  When we got on board and found our seats it was a pleasant surprise.  The seats were wide and spaced out.  Each chair had its own set of arm rests.  No elbow wrestling with the person next to you for use of it.  The leg room was amazing.  When seated there was about 18 inches between my knees and the chair back.  This is an unheard amount of legroom for upgraded Coach seating.  I could actually open my laptop all the way to write this without the seat in front of me interfering.  Now, the only thing interfering with me writing this is talent and brains.

The flight attendants started the food and beverage service immediately after the wheels were up and the captain had taken the “fasten your seatbelts” sign off the lighted board.  Ya know, I have never actually seen the captain do this.  He must be a very stealthy guy to be able to climb out of the cockpit and change signs without me spotting him.  I guess he does it while I am in my usual take-off and landing position:  eyes clamped shut and fingers in a death grip on the person’s head in front of me.    The meal came out and they gave us real cutlery and actual glass dishware.  And the food was delicious.  But since I had already eaten dinner, I just nibbled at it. 

Soon I noticed a guy dressed in the full chef outfit, the white double breasted coat and big white floppy hat, slowly making his way down the aisle from the galley.  He was asking the passengers how the meal was, just like in a high class restaurant. I was impressed. When I first saw him I figured Chef Boy R. Dee was a passenger on our flight.  But when he started offering the passengers a tray of desserts, I realized he was part of the flight team.  I then remembered my hardly touched tray of food sitting neglected in my lap.  I panicked.  I felt it was my duty to have eaten the food to show him his effort was appreciated, but there was no time.  So I grabbed the food tray and was just about to dump it into the seat back pocket of the chair in front of me, when the steward picked it off of my lap.  I felt instant relief.  Turns out Chef Boy R. Dee never made it back to my part of the plane anyway, so he did not get my appreciative dumb looks.

This blogpost has been very complementary of Turkish Airlines.  But be warned, If you fly in their standard coach area. The seating is pathetic.  Cramped and hot and torturous.  Like sitting thru an IRA audit when you have digestive tract issues.  The attendants just toss bits of leftovers at the passengers, like a zookeeper feeding the animals.  But at least there is no tray of food in the seat back pocket of the chair ahead of you.  That is reserved for Premium Coach Class.

No good deed goes unpunished, part 1 of Turkmen trip

Turkmeniswhere?

No good deed goes unpunished, part 1 of Turkmen trip 

A couple of years ago I reported in this very blog that I had successfully negotiated a complicated deal to provide goods to a Chinese corporation in exchange for U.S. currency.  I guess it wasn’t that complicated after all since I explained it here in one sentence.  Anyway, I made a big sale, was a hero to my company and to my bank account.  But there is a saying, coined by someone even more cynical than me, that no good deed goes unpunished.   I am now scheduled to do what I committed to do, in a moment of enthusiastic bliss, two years ago.  I told my customer that I would travel to the country where these goods were being shipped and make sure the local Operations personnel knew how to use our equipment.  In hindsight, that was a very bad idea.

At the time of this giddy enthusiasm, I had not actually looked on a map to see where Turkmenistan was located. Roughly the size of California, it is 80 percent desert and shares borders with Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Afghanistan, my uncle Stan and Iran.   Geez.  Why didn’t I consult a globe before agreeing to go there?  The U.S. State department reports that “supporters of extremist groups such as the Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan, al-Qaida, and anyone even mildly annoyed by westerners, remain active. These groups have expressed anti-U.S. sentiments and may attempt to target U.S. Government or private interests in the region.”  Ya think?  Then, as if this next statement was on equal merit, the article said   “Most taxis are not regulated by any government licensing agency and drivers may not have had any formal driver training Many cars will not have seat belts or other safety devices” Goodness!  No formal training?  No seat belts!  Is this India?

Being in the desert might be great when I am on vacation, in an air-conditioned vehicle, and if I have plenty of ice water.  But this is shaping up to be big trouble.  I am expected to spend the next two weeks in the Karakum Desert, which is one of the largest black sand deserts on the planet.  The weather will be a bit warm, projected to be 111 degrees F two days before we arrive.  But it is forecasted to cool off to a balmy 97 degrees for the remaining days that we will be working…outside….in the sun…..  I knew I should have invested heavily in a sun screen products company.  I am about to be their largest customer.  OK, maybe not their largest, but I am 6 ft 2.  I wonder if it is OK to bathe in that stuff?  How does an older, out of shape fellow, like me, accustomed to using laser pointers and computer graphics, survive two weeks outdoors, as a consultant, in one of the hottest, bleakest regions of the world?  I don’t even like watching the desert scenes in the movie “Three Amigos”.

I am reading what I can about what the country is like.  I googled Tourism in Turkmenistan and there was a list of the top 23 things to do in the country.  #1 on the list was to LEAVE!  …Geez.  They have the Darvaza Flaming Crater, an impressive “gas crater” that was the result of a drilling rig that hit an underground gas pocket, creating a blowout and a crater.  The rig collapsed into the hole and now it is a giant cauldron of burning gas in the middle of the desert.  They call it the “Gateway to Hell”.   I would probably call it something else, like “Welcome to Turkmenistan”.  A photo of it is on every website I found about Turkmenistan.  They are apparently quite proud of it.  Even more proud than the National Museum located in the capital city of Ashgabat.  Here, you get your own personal tour guide to show you all the fake relics.  Yep.  Fake.  That is what the guidebook says.  The museum tour guide is there to make sure you follow their rules and not question the displays.  Welcome to Totalitarianism.  Maybe the 111 degrees air temperature is fake too.  I can only hope.

So, to sum it up:   The museums…, the burning cauldron…, the questionable hospitality of local extremist groups…., who could ask for more?  Add in the taxi rides where you are not required to wear a seat belt and this place sounds like everything a free spirited intrepid traveler could ask for.  Lip balm, anyone?

NSA releases private text messages

NSA releases private text messages.  Needs public’s help.

Washington D.C. - The National Security Agency, the NSA, is the secret governmental agency that the world became aware of, thanks to Mr. Edward Snowden, who exposed the NSA’s program to monitor every telephone and email transmission.  Recently the NSA inexplicably released to the public the text messages between two private citizens, identified only as:  Your Intrepid Traveler, Bill, and his wife Gwen, the fetching Mrs. Intrepid Traveler. The story was that Bill was returning from a business trip and had a short layover in Tokyo due to canceled flight. This was a convenient, yet implausible cover story, based on the intercepted text messages.  

The rambling messages between husband and wife, were analyzed by the NSA.  It was determined that there had to be imbedded code words in the communications regarding state secrets from Japan, which is the United States’ most important strategic partner in Asia.  It was feared that this information, once decoded, could have devastating effects on the relationship between these two great nations.  

The presumed accidental leaking of these text messages have left many people wondering how this data breach occurred.  However, it is now being reported that the NSA, puzzled by the odd messages, took the extraordinary steps to ask the public for assistance to interpret these communications.  Please help.  Tell the NSA what these mysterious messages might mean. You do not need to contact the NSA.  Just speak slowly and carefully into your phone.  The NSA is listening.

Beginning of text messages, apparently while boarding the plane from Mumbai to Tokyo:

G- I hope you don’t have culture shock when u get to Japan.

B – Me? Surely you jest.  I have no culture to get shocked.     B - How do you say thank you in Japanese?

G – Arigato:  sorta like saying alligator only more choppy, and without the swamp.

B - How do you say “we’re all counting on you“, in Japanese?

G- If a train is leaving Philly at 2.3 miles per hour and a plane is leaving Mumbai at 544 mph, what are the chances that your flight is canceled?

B- 100%?  Gotta Go.  Luv u

G - I love you too.

Text messages traveling from Narita Airport to Tokyo, Japan:

B – Just landed at Narita.  On the taxi way….no culture shock yet.

G- Give it time.   Maybe you’re too shocked to know you’re shocked

B- Japanese flight attendant thanked us for “frying”.   I thought I smelled cooking.

G – Watch out, they’ll Roos your Ruggage!

B – You are sooo uncultured.  There are no kangaroos here.

G – Just big cuddly Koalas

G – My phone can’t do numbers and punctuation at the same time.

B – Damn phone.  Mine can’t talk and chew gum at the same time.

Later text messages from train going from Airport to city center:

B- I am on the express train to Tokyo.  When I bought the ticket the lady said where to?  I said to buy a cup of coffee.  She said R U crazy?  I think she was Canadian

B – I think I spotted Joshua.  Isn’t he Caucasian?

B – It’s a lot darker over here than in TX.  Oh wait, we were in a tunnel.

B – Lots of agriculture here.   Don’t they use human waste for fertilizer?  Remind me not to eat any raw vegetables .

B – How do you like my running commentary?   You wouldn’t get this kind of reporting from Tom Brokaw.   

B-   Where R the pandas?

G – You are not in the right country for Pandas.  This damn phone hardly knows any words.

B – I know…They are all vegetarians here.  They only eat Pandas in China

G- I worked out in the woods today.  Now I am going to have a hot bath and a bourbon and soda.

B – Wait for me!

B - This is a very quiet train.  I guess because everyone is wearing surgical masks.  I feel so naked without one.

G – I am sure they are in wonder at seeing a big Texan

B – They wonder about me.  You are correct.

G – Don’t you have other people you should be texting?  I hate to monopolize all your humor.

B – You are the only one who doesn’t charge me $ to text to.  And I only have 2 thumbs.    One is cramping up.

G – They must think you are sending important messages to many business associates.

B – MUST.  CONTINUE.  TO.  TEXT.  TO.  YOU.  UNTIL. BOTH.   GIVE   OUT.

B- Actually there is hardly anyone on the train.  I was hoping to be wedged in there with a 1,000 other travelers, like I’ve seen on TV, but no.  I guess I should delete that from my bucket list.

G – Here are some words I am trying to teach my phone:  texting, panda, Texan, and damn.  Guess which one I say the most while trying to use this phone?

B – Probably Damn.  ?  Was that a trick question?

G – If I texted it as often as I say it, those keys would quit working.  OK, Texan it doesn’t know. But when I want to say keys, it suggests Jews.  I wish I could capitalize letters.  I can’t do emoticons either. So imagine a sad face here.

B – OK, get a better phone or learn to shout really loudly.    

B - The houses along the track are cement block with tile roofs.  How can I play Godzilla and rip off a roof if it is not made of paper?   

B - Do you read Japanese left to right?  Never mind.  I can’t read the Characters anyway.

G– I think right to left, top to bottom.  I did not know you could read.

B – We just went thru a train station.  All the people waiting looked like zombie’s who were headed into surgery.

G – Why would zombies need surgery?  It’s not like they’re gonna get any better.

B – Good point.  Maybe the surgical mask is just a fashion statement.

B – If a zombie and a vampire were fighting, who would win?     This is just a rhetorical question.  We know they really get along well

G – If they were old fashioned slow zombies the vampires would win.  Modern quick zombies. Like in WWZ?  My $ is on the zombies.

B- You are putting way too much thinking into that.  Have another drink

G – Is it legal to put maraschino cherries into a bourbon and soda?  Cause I just did.  Yeah, that’s the kind of wild thing I do when you’re not around.

B – You live on the edge.  This is why I love you …You make me feel alive.

B – Don’t wait for me to stop texting.  You can take your bath. I will keep going even after my battery dies.  That’s what a professional does.

B – They sell Toyotas here!  Those cars are everywhere.

G- Wow, I finally found the magic secret of attraction. Maraschino cherries in bourbon.  I’ll have to tell Dr. Phil

B – You are gonna have to explain that attraction statement to me.  Who did you attract and can you keep him there until I get home and load my pistol?

B. –Dr. Phil is a bartender?  You need a degree for that job these days?

G – I can’t text you from the tub.  I will get electrocuted.  Or would it be Electron-cuted?

B - I am shocked to hear that.

G- It’s getting to the point where I am dreading having to use a vocabulary word because my phone won’t know it, and all my vocabulary words are really long.

B – Truly.     Dumb yourself down for me

B – I have been on this train for an hour.  I did not know Japan was this large.

G – It’s the size of CA with the same number of people as the whole US.  All crammed together!

B – California?  Is Arnold their Governator?

B – Maybe I should buy you a new phone here.  Do they use cell phones in Japan?  Cameras?

G – I guess I could try a Japanese phone.  It would make a nice change from this Chinese piece of doo-doo.

B – Gwen!  Please!  This is a family friendly phone!

G – So, where are u going?  Will you be back in time for your flight?

B – I may not come back.   Here I am a God.

B – Guess what, I am almost out of battery.  You are now off the hook and can take your bath.

G - Watch out for the Sta-Puft marshmallow man. Guess which word in that sentence I had to teach my phone?

B- Man?  Or Stay?  I’ve always had a hard time teaching my phone to “Stay.”

B- I am really stopping now

Texting while walking around downtown Tokyo

B- I am gonna go up and stick my head out of this underground tunnel, like a gopher.

G – I still don’t know where you’re going. Just in case I hear about an American causing an incident.

B- I am here to buy a cup of coffee.  Then go back to my ordinary world.  This is like Brigadoon.

G – OK, say goodbye to 22bucks!...Ohh, Ohh!  Buy some Kimono Fabric.

B- I can’t hear you….  Losing the signal…  I did not know Kimono dragons wore fabric

G – What city are you in?  Tokyo?

B- Tokyo, or maybe Detroit? I was texting and not watching the road signs.

G- Oh, Good to know, have fun, Brodie.

B – They serve good strong coffee here. Everyone drinks it. It must be true that caffeine stunts your growth.

G– Have they started surrounding you and gesturing in awe at your enormous height, yet?

B – They have surrounded me with 10Ft bamboo poles.  Is that the local custom?

G – Ask them where the local Kimono shops are.

B – There are McDonalds and 7-11 stores.  Thank god America has been able to bring a little culture over here.

B – I found a Kimono fabric shop.  When you get close turns out the fabric is just burlap.  Who knew?

G – Bring me a sample so I can show everybody over here.. They won’t believe it unless I show them.

.B – I’ve had my coffee.  Now I have one hour to endear myself to the population and have them offer me the key to the city.

And after returning to Narita Airport:

B – I am back at the airport in case you had any concerns, which apparently you did not, thank you very much!

G- I only asked you where you were going three different times to no avail. I may add.

B – I went to T O K Y O.  It is a large city in Japan.  I had coffee.  It was good.   I successfully returned to the airport.  My story is almost over for this trip.  I could use a shower, I suppose.

G – OK, I’m going to sleep so I will be ready for your return tomorrow.

B – Sleep well, See u soon.

End of intercepted transmissions

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