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| Official TSA training dummy |
AS SEEN ON TV! : For those of you gentle readers who are brave enough (stupid) to suffer the indignities of going thru airport security this season, I have developed my Deluxe Travel Kit for you to buy, just in time for the holidays. This kit will help get you thru airport security in a flash.
My Deluxe Travel Kit will help you pass airport security as easily as slipping in to a leopard print Snuggie while standing in an airplane toilet during turbulence. Your kit includes a handy 6 ounce horseshoe magnet. You hold up against your kneecap to show the friendly TSA agent that the reason you are setting off the metal detector is because of that metal replacement knee. Or hold it against the steel plate in your head. You can attach your boarding pass to your head, just like it was a refrigerator door. What convenience!
The second item is a pair of cotton briefs that have an X-RAY proof appliqué in the shape of a fig leaf, strategically located in the front. Warning: do not go thru the metal detector more than once since there is a danger of the appliqué overheating and catching you on fire. This could be a minor annoyance. Briefs can be ordered with Extra Large fig leafs if you drive a sports car and need another form of over-compensation.
The third item in this kit is a red strap-on nose, which has electrical sensors attached to your fig leaf underwear. (think of the old “Operation” kid’s game). If the friendly TSA agent touches an inappropriate area of your anatomy, your strap-on nose will flash red and buzz. This will not stop the TSA agent from continuing his exploration of your privates, but at least everyone in the airport will know when you got a cheap thrill with the feel up. This could become a contest for the screeners, to see how long they can keep your nose buzzing before you punch out their lights, or ask for their phone number. In some societies, after the nose buzzes for 30 seconds, you are legally married. Check with your local justice of the peace for further details.
As with any late night infomercial, there is always a bonus item. My bonus item of this soon to be collector’s item is a 2” by 6” black plastic rectangle with self-sticking tape on the back. If you are chosen by the TSA to go thru the new Nudie see thru clothing machine, you attach this black rectangle over your eyes, obscuring your identity. This will give you some anonymity when your nude photos hit the internet.
My Deluxe Travel Kit consists of these four components, but wait! If you order right now, I will include, at no extra charge, a handsome designer see-thru zip lock baggie which holds the entire deluxe travel kit. TSA APPROVED ! And for anyone traveling outside the U.S. this year, I have the Super Deluxe Travel kit. In this kit I will include a XXL T-shirt with a target and “U.S. Citizen” proudly emblazoned on the back at no extra charge. How can you beat this deal?
I am certain that this kit would be in everyone’s stocking this year except for the fact that I am having these made in China. And the Chinese manufacturers are booked up making American flags and tainted dog food. So these Deluxe Travel Kits will not be available until April. Just in time for April Fools Day.
