Hello Gentle Readers,
I write to you from 35,000 in the air (AAAAAHHHH! ! ! ). Oh, I guess there is no need for hysterics. After all I am in a Government approved aircraft (but didn’t the government approve Vioxx?) over friendly skies (Canada??). But, more importantly, I am sitting right next to the emergency exit door. I’ll be the first SOB offa this plane if there is a problem, you can count on that. And I’ll take my handy seat cushion, which can be used for a floatation device, (what, for a hamster??) at the first sign of trouble.
I just finished my fine dining experience by masticating some type of meat in some type of sauce with some type of thin green vegetable matter on the side. It was a meal fit for coach class. I see that our beloved U.S. Government IS serious about American’s waistlines since they obviously approved of the packaging of the desert snack that was included in my meal. I normally don’t indulge in the sweets and cakes included in the airline meal, but since I have been up since 5am and didn’t get to eat this meal until about 3pm, I was willing to overlook my healthy diet because I was HUNGRY.
The packaging on this tiny bag of lemon sugar cookies was made of the same thin plastic/Mylar material that the alien spaceship in Roswell must have been made of. Toughest stuff I have ever encountered. Impervious to all my attempts at opening it. My teeth, fingernails, even a blowtorch (not really a blowtorch, just my bad breath),….nothing could break the seal of this tempting delicacy. I fought with it until embarrassment replaced the lust I had for this sweet delight. I gave up. The government must have wanted me to burn off lots of calories before consuming these cookies. I felt like an otter trying to break open clams on my belly without a rock. I even tried hacking my way through the edge of the pack with the cheap plastic knife (Government approved) provided with the meal, with no luck. At least on International flights they have the courtesy of providing you real metallic silverware. I guess they figure there are more domestic terrorists interested in taking over planes than on International flights. I don’t know. After a while, I gave up the dream of Lemon sugar cookies dancing in my head.
I noticed that the guy sitting next to me has not eaten or drunk ANTHING since he showed up on this leg of the flight (from Minnnnneapolis to Anchorage) In our conversation I have learned that he is a Continental pilot, dead heading back to his home after his scheduled flight time. What is it that he KNOWS about the food on these flights???? Should I get my stomach pumped upon arrival in Anchorage??. Should I just force myself to immediately puke in the toilet and forestall any potential poison that has entered my system? Should I call the Secretary of Transportation (government approved) to find out if I AM GOING TO DIE FROM EATING AIRLINE FOOD???.
I did what every thinking American would do….I curled up in a fetal position, and waited for this leg of the flight to be over.
I will resume this conversation when I have more to report.
Your intrepid, and hungry traveler, signing off for now.
