DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME

Yes, Officer, the Emergency Room is right over there.

I recently read a back issue of Popular Mechanics magazine and took the “are you handy” quiz from the Nov 2014 issue.  When I was taking this quiz, I thought to myself that it was possibly the perfect “are you handy” quiz.  Then, as I reflected on the questions, I realized it was not the perfect “are you handy” quiz because it did not mention Mamma, getting drunk,  or trains.

But since this was an “are you handy” quiz and not a Country & Western song, I guess those elements don’t have much of a place in the quiz.  But the time I used to reflect on the quality of this quiz did allow me to wonder why certain handy man situations were not covered in it. Therefore, I have written some additional questions to add to the Popular Mechanics “Are you handy” quiz. My hope is that you, the reader, will judge this to now be the perfect “are you handy” quiz.

Let’s get started:

1. How many trips to the local hardware store do you average for a typical project?

               a. 3   I spend more time in checkout lines than I do on the project itself.

               b. 2   I have gotten my purchases down to a fine science, almost.

               c. 1   I make you sick with my efficiency, don’t I? 

               d. 0   Never.  If I can’t build it out of wood, rock or dirt found from right off of the land, it doesn’t need to be built.

2.  During your project, how often do you consult your “Handy man’s guide to fixing anything” book?

               a. 0   I don’t need no steenkin book.

               b. 1   I am a quick study and have this book almost memorized.

               c. 2   I always double check my reference material before proceeding.

               d. 3 or more times. Geez, my project looks nothing like the drawings in this damn book.

3.  When is it acceptable to call a home improvement expert doing a call in radio show?

a. Never.   You can’t bear the thought of every listener in the entire broadcast region laughing in unison at your stupid question.

b. Always.  You don’t want to go back to the hardware store and ask the sales associate to explain it to you for the fourth time, so calling in to a radio show is the lesser of the two evils.  Especially since you can use a fake name and a foreign accent. 

4.  When doing a home improvement project, the very first thing the home handyman should do is:

               a. Check for deed restrictions and city permit requirements

               b. Watch the weather report to see if the weather will negatively impact your home improvement project

               c. See if your power tools are in top working condition

               d. Make sure your medical insurance premium is paid and you know where the nearest emergency room is.

5.  When you know your project will require more than one person to do the project safely you:

a. Ask your handy man neighbor to help out in exchange for a future time when you will help him.  The only problem is that he seems to disappear whenever you open your garage and get out the saw horses.

b. Get your wife to hold the other end of whatever you are moving, lifting, nailing, cutting, or otherwise manipulating.  She will be especially happy to help since she knows her input into the design and planning of this project has been taken into consideration until the moment you tell her it can’t be done that way.

c. Go to the home improvement store and find a couple of undocumented laborers from the parking lot.  They can’t speak English, and they don’t know how to do what you want or understand what you want done, but they are cheap labor.  They don’t need to get paid a lot of money because now they know where you live and can come back to steal whatever you have that they want.   

d. You don’t need no steenkin help. 

6.  What is an acceptable loss of blood on the average do it yourself project?

               a. A small trail of it from the worksite to the kitchen sink.

               b. A small trail of it from the worksite to the emergency room door.      

               c. A puddle large enough to slip and fall down in, injuring your head, causing significant brain damage.  Injuring your    head and  causing significant brain damage.  Injuring your head and causing significant brain damage.  Injuring your head and causing  

               d. What’s a little blood?  I still have most of my fingers.

7.  Who do you admire most in the home handyman world?

               a. Yourself.  You are a loner, a rebel, a home handyman god.

               b. Bob Villa’s face is tattooed on your bicep

               c. The guy who does the power tool infomercials on TV.  He can make those tools do ANYTHING

               d. Your handy neighbor.  IF you could ever find him.

8.  Bonus question:   _?_  is a reasonable number of times to use swear words while doing a project:

               a. If I were a reasonable person I would NOT be doing this damn project.

               b. If non-swear words were as effective as swear words, I wouldn’t need to use them

               c. I only swear during the actual project time.  When in the home center, the emergency room, or at the liquor store during the middle of the project, I do not need to swear.

               d. Swearing is an integral part of the home handyman process.  I know this to be true.  Otherwise, why would the Home Handyman radio program host always swear when I am on the line?

Scoring:

You get 10 points for a right answer and zero points for a wrong answer.  It is all or nothing.  Sorta like when you wired up the 220V dryer to a 110V circuit.  You get nuttin.

Correct answers are arbitrary, just like choosing between a Binford 9000 Power Washer and a DurtBGone XL Power Washer.  Just as it is completely arbitrary if the machine will start the next time you need to use it.   And the probability of whether the engine starts is inversely proportional to the cost to rent the same machine from the home center. 

And finally:  don’t try this at home.  Get your Handy Man neighbor to take this test, instead of you, if you can find him.