Traveller alert !!

Traveller alert!

Unless you have been hiding out in a cave like Osama Bin Laden, or are in denial like Nancy Pelosi, you are probably aware that new security measures are now in place at many of the major U.S. airport. The Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) has adopted new, much more intense personal body inspections instead of using traditional metal detectors.

These new inspections call for using a Peek-a-boo body scanner that can see right through clothing. So, you better hit the gym and buff up before your next flight. It is suggested you tend to all of your personal grooming prior to arriving at the airport unless you want to listen to the jeers and catcalls from the TSA workers. Also, the TSA claims the naked images of flyers will not be stored or shared, but rumor has it that Brett Farve’s “image” may have already been transmitted to an unlucky person.

Of course, you can opt out of going thru the Nudie Scanners. But then you will be subjected to a very personal body search by a TSA employee. They will use surgical gloves to protect THEM from your germs, but then will be passing YOUR germs on to all the other people who are in line behind you. Sort of a conga line of germ distribution. TSA, by the way, has been re-named and now stands for Touch Sexual Areas.

The Obama Administration has named former President Clinton to head this recently re-named organization and he is the new “Grope Czar”. There has been a push to hire more TSA workers, and the new recruiting center is in San Fran”Frisk Ya”. The Obama administration, in order to continue the push for “transparency in Government” has additionally added the plan to have every flyer wear only a white T-shirt that will then be sprayed with water. Dance music will be provided.

I, your worldly Intrepid Traveler, have some suggestions that might help. I suggest that all males be searched by Hooters waitresses, and when they are done they can bring us a cigarette and maybe an order of onion rings . Be sure to bring plenty of one dollar bills to tip the ladies. All the women could be searched by Chippendale dancers, or by someone who promises to do the laundry and dishes at their house. I am sure they will call you in the morning. And all kids could be searched by Mickey Mouse, as long as he wears those big white puffy gloves. And the suggestion I like the best is to have all Middle Eastern Muslim men to be cavity searched by Edward Scissor Hands.

We can make it more of a party atmosphere with dimmed lighting, a disco ball, and party snacks. We could maybe turn it in to a TV game show. The “Jeopardy“ game format comes to mind…”I’ll take Pushup bras for $40, Alex”. The winner gets to take a bus to their destination next time.