TRAVEL TIPS FROM YOUR INTREPID TRAVELER
Ladies and gentlemen. (ok, I don’t know any gentlemen), I have been traveling professionally for more than 50 years now. Wait…. I must be honest with you, that statement is a lie. I have been traveling professionally for maybe eight years, nine at tops, but the 50 sounded really cool. Sorta like I would have started out traveling when they were wearing pith helmets and using a monocle. What the hell is a pith helmet anyway? And why would you choose to travel anywhere that you need headgear? Where else could you go and find some provocative writer who is asking these important questions? Of course, I have no idea where to get these answers, but I am full of questions. I have been told I am full of more than that.
Sorry, I am way off subject. Today’s story is not a story; it is a collection of invaluable travel trips that I have gleaned from thousands of my fellow travelers over my 50 years of doing this. (not really, see statement above). I have logged more miles in the air, visited more continents, and eaten more exotic foods than any other dashing young man on a flying trapeze ever has. (editors note: author is not dashing, not young, and never been on a trapeze. This is a silly comparison. Please delete before publishing) So, read carefully, take notes, and remember this is copy righted stuff. I will sue you if this shows up as your work. What? Do you think I do this for free? Well, OK I do do it for free, but that does not entitle you to rip me off. It is my job to rip others off and hope you, or they, do not find out. It is a good system.
OK, let’s get started.
Travel documents. When traveling by air, always make sure you have all your travel documents. Since there is no way for you, the amateur traveler to anticipate what documents you will need for the countries you are visiting, you must bring everything. A valid Passport, an unexpired VISA for every country on the planet that has a runway, a Birth certificate (unless you are President Obama), your college transcript, shoe size, dental records (in case you are in a country that sells really cheap teeth), and perhaps an airline ticket.
Get to the airport early.
This gives you a chance to beg and plead with the ticket agent to give you emergency row seating. Even if you are 6’2” tall and devilishly handsome as is this Intrepid Traveler, you will not always score E Row seating ( I just made up the term “E Row” and it sounds pretty cool), You don’t want the person in front of you cranking their chair back in to your face. You need a contingency plan. Example: On a recent flight, the person ahead of me cranked her chair back all the way and crushed my knees. I made a pitiful little girl cry of pain. This is the universal sign of distress and was done to make that passenger aware that she was intruding into my personal space. The technique worked. She became aware. She looked back at me and smiled. But she did not change her chair position. I lost all feeling in my legs below my knees. Perhaps I need a more effective way to communicate.
If you get to the airport early you might be able to change your flight to avoid some of the nut cakes and weirdos that fly these days. First rule of traveling on a plane: don’t fly with a nun or anyone with a guitar because that plane is doomed.
Pack Smart.
Use a wheeled bag small enough to fit in the over head storage space. Bring everything you ever anticipate needing, but understand that the security people at the airport will probably have you throw 80 percent of it away before you can go thru the security gate. Also bring a smaller bag to hold the remaining stuff that the security guy did not make you toss out. This bag should be small enough to fit under the chair in front of you. But that’s where your feet go. The skilled intrepid traveler NEVER puts anything there. Instead, use your neighbor’s foot space in the chair next to yours. This is another reason to get to the airport early, to board early and claim space. If the person next to you makes a pitiful little girl cry, just ignore it.
Bring plenty to do.
This Intrepid Travelers does not consider any flight lasting under 8 hours a flight, it is merely a short hop. If you are jammed in a plane for 12 to 16 hours, you might want to do something other than pick your nose. Save that activity for the short hops. You could bring that novel you always wanted to read, except thick books are a pain to pack. Or maybe you bring your laptop and your last eight years of tax records. You could do a self audit and find mistakes you made on a tax return. The cash you saved might pay for this trip!.
All modern planes now have electric power plugs built in to the seats. “All” maybe a bit of an exaggeration. I know that Emirates Airlines has them. What? You have a problem with me only knowing about one airline? So I’m supposed to be an aviation expert as well as a travel expert? Sorry Bucko, this knowledge just doesn’t accumulate on its own. I have to get it the old fashion way, I ask my wife. Anyway, I digress.
Plan for comfort.
Since you will be jammed in to a tiny metal cylinder for what could be equal to two or three days in an office, you need to plan your comfort. Here is the most important tip you will ever read on this particular subject: steal your neighbor’s pillow and blanket. You put your pillow under one butt cheek and his under your other butt cheek. This takes the weight off of your tailbone. Trust me, after hours of sitting and not using this technique, you will think you grew a tail as large as a horse’s and you feel like you were kicked there by one too. And you take his blanket just to make him do the pitiful little girl cry again.
Also, wear a shirt with a pocket. You need to cram as much stuff in that pocket as possible. Reading glasses, mints, chap stick, ink pen, passport, college transcripts, etc. Having this pocket stuffed like a turkey makes you appear to others as a seasoned citizen and they will not want to talk to you for fear that you will bring out the grandkids photos. You don’t want to talk to anyone, you have taxes to do.
Drink plenty of fluids.
This is basic to flying long distances. If you drink lots of fluids, you will have to pee. You have to get out of your chair, normally, to do this. This gives you exercise, somewhere to go, and gives you something to look forward to. It helps break up the trip. On international flights, they serve beer and wine for free. You need to get all you can, but ask the flight attendant not to open the bottle. You can stockpile these little packages of joy for later consumption, or to sell on EBay.
Have somewhere to go to.
If you don’t have a destination, then actually doing everything that I have discussed above would be silly.
I hope you take these suggestions to heart. They could make your flight more enjoyable. Sorta like not eating spoiled fish. Bon Voyage and all the best wishes to you for a great trip. I just hope you don’t sit next to me. P.S. Don’t forget your pith helmet.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Man of Steel
Man of Steel
Greetings, Gentle Readers. Today’s story takes place in the heart of the Mid-west, specifically the state of Ohio. This is where my father’s ancestors decided, for better or worse, to procreate. Had they known that their brief carnal activity would continue the lineage that would lead to the birth of this author, they undoubtedly would have remained celibate. If my ancestor’s neighbors could have foretold the future, they would have wielded pitchforks and torches and chased my kinfolk out of the area before any marriage consummation could occur. But we cannot undo what fate and DNA hath wrought. The best way for me to do no further damage to my fellow man is to stay occupied writing this drivel rather than contribute to society.
One of the neat things about my job, in addition to standing shoeless on the cold linoleum floor of an airport security line, is getting to see sites that the ordinary citizen does not get to see. One of the highlights of the Ohio trip was getting to go inside the AK Steel Mill in Middletown, Ohio. I didn’t know we were going to make sales calls at a steel mill, so I did not bring my hardhat, safety shoes and fire retardant suit.. Silly me. So I had to borrow all this paraphernalia from my fellow salesman, who, luckily was also a tall person. He handed me a bright lime green fire-retardant jumpsuit. It fit OK, and the hardhat was adjustable, but the boots were another story. His steel toed boots were two sizes smaller than my feet. This might have been tolerable for a few steps but we ended up walking all over the steel mill for the next couple of hours. I had to learn to walk with my toes curled up under my feet, taking short, hoppy steps like a geisha girl walking on glass shards. I am sure I was the picture of professionalism. I looked like a giant scrawny Lima bean with a hardhat and bug-eyed goggles, limping delicately through the maze of stairs and walkways.
Inside the mill, it looked just like a science fiction movie set. The building was a gigantic rust colored hulk, about 5 stories tall. I was told it was two thirds of a mile long. We crawled over cat walks and under thousands of wires and pipes in the dim light. I half expected the creature from the movie Alien to drop down on me. I wore hearing protection but the mechanical noises inside the facility were still deafening.
In this mill they flatten large billets of steel into thinner plate. I saw one of the giant oven doors open up and spit out a monstrous slab of red-hot steel, about the length and width of a city bus, and a foot thick. It landed on a track of rollers and was headed to the rolling mills to be flattened further. This hunk of steel weighted 77,000 pounds and was traveling at 15 miles per hour along the rollers. It glowed like a caution light on a foggy night. As it traveled thru each rolling station, there was a set of fire hose-like nozzles that blasted the red hot steel with water. This high pressure water jet removed the surface impurities from the steel before it was rolled thinner. A massive steam cloud was produced as the water hit the hot metal. I wanted to follow the slab of steel to the next rolling station but my toes protested. I would rather be given a bikini wax from Leatherface than take any unnecessary steps so I watched the steel roll on thru the facility from a distance.
It was an interesting visit. I now feel like a real U.S. American. Watching real U.S. American men working in the heartland of U.S. America was quite a thrill. I now speak with a Yankee accent and sound like a dockworker. I hope to repeat the visit in the future.. My doctor says that some day the feeling may returns to my toes and the nails should grow back in. My ancestors would have been proud….unless they had seen the lime green jumpsuit.
Greetings, Gentle Readers. Today’s story takes place in the heart of the Mid-west, specifically the state of Ohio. This is where my father’s ancestors decided, for better or worse, to procreate. Had they known that their brief carnal activity would continue the lineage that would lead to the birth of this author, they undoubtedly would have remained celibate. If my ancestor’s neighbors could have foretold the future, they would have wielded pitchforks and torches and chased my kinfolk out of the area before any marriage consummation could occur. But we cannot undo what fate and DNA hath wrought. The best way for me to do no further damage to my fellow man is to stay occupied writing this drivel rather than contribute to society.
One of the neat things about my job, in addition to standing shoeless on the cold linoleum floor of an airport security line, is getting to see sites that the ordinary citizen does not get to see. One of the highlights of the Ohio trip was getting to go inside the AK Steel Mill in Middletown, Ohio. I didn’t know we were going to make sales calls at a steel mill, so I did not bring my hardhat, safety shoes and fire retardant suit.. Silly me. So I had to borrow all this paraphernalia from my fellow salesman, who, luckily was also a tall person. He handed me a bright lime green fire-retardant jumpsuit. It fit OK, and the hardhat was adjustable, but the boots were another story. His steel toed boots were two sizes smaller than my feet. This might have been tolerable for a few steps but we ended up walking all over the steel mill for the next couple of hours. I had to learn to walk with my toes curled up under my feet, taking short, hoppy steps like a geisha girl walking on glass shards. I am sure I was the picture of professionalism. I looked like a giant scrawny Lima bean with a hardhat and bug-eyed goggles, limping delicately through the maze of stairs and walkways.
Inside the mill, it looked just like a science fiction movie set. The building was a gigantic rust colored hulk, about 5 stories tall. I was told it was two thirds of a mile long. We crawled over cat walks and under thousands of wires and pipes in the dim light. I half expected the creature from the movie Alien to drop down on me. I wore hearing protection but the mechanical noises inside the facility were still deafening.
In this mill they flatten large billets of steel into thinner plate. I saw one of the giant oven doors open up and spit out a monstrous slab of red-hot steel, about the length and width of a city bus, and a foot thick. It landed on a track of rollers and was headed to the rolling mills to be flattened further. This hunk of steel weighted 77,000 pounds and was traveling at 15 miles per hour along the rollers. It glowed like a caution light on a foggy night. As it traveled thru each rolling station, there was a set of fire hose-like nozzles that blasted the red hot steel with water. This high pressure water jet removed the surface impurities from the steel before it was rolled thinner. A massive steam cloud was produced as the water hit the hot metal. I wanted to follow the slab of steel to the next rolling station but my toes protested. I would rather be given a bikini wax from Leatherface than take any unnecessary steps so I watched the steel roll on thru the facility from a distance.
It was an interesting visit. I now feel like a real U.S. American. Watching real U.S. American men working in the heartland of U.S. America was quite a thrill. I now speak with a Yankee accent and sound like a dockworker. I hope to repeat the visit in the future.. My doctor says that some day the feeling may returns to my toes and the nails should grow back in. My ancestors would have been proud….unless they had seen the lime green jumpsuit.
traveling to the Middle East from Singapore
Traveling to the Middle East from Singapore
Another report from your intrepid traveler...
I have now changed time zones for the 6th time on this trip. I was supposed to return to Houston May 22nd but my Middle East office asked me to come to Dubai, in the United Arab Emirates, to put on a presentation with a potential customer. And hey, I was in the neighborhood, just 7 hours and $700 away by Emirates Airlines (fondly known as Air Jihad to some people), so I delayed my trip home. As a side note, on one of my in-flight meals I was provided with eating utensils, as would be expected. But with all the security concerns that abound in the airline industry, it seemed strange to me that they provided all plastic forks and spoons EXCEPT a metal knife. I figured it was a trick so I did NOT commandeer the plane with my knife.
But I digress... I am now in sunny Dubai, where it is a balmy 42 degrees centigrade IN THE SHADE. (That's 108 degrees F to you roundeyed westerners) But, THERE IS NO SHADE since nothing will grow in this gawd-awful land of ragheaded, sheet wearing, camel jockeys. To illustrate just how hot it is, there was an automobile company, Citroen, who sold their first car in Dubai which featured a sloping windshield that allowed sunlight to cheerfully fill the vehicle. The problem was that, with all that glass, the heat building up in the car caused the dash board and the steering wheel to melt like cheese in a microwave oven. So much for style over function.. I wanted to try the old "fry an egg on the sidewalk trick", but the chickens here all lay hardboiled eggs...
I got up at 5AM this morning to drive to Abu Dhabi, the capital of the seven Emirates (a loose confederation of city states) to see the customer that this segment of the trip was dedicated to. We ate breakfast in Abu Dhabi, at a very nice hotel restaurant. They think a little differently here in the Middle East...maybe it's the heat, but I saw a big poster of an upcoming festival....celebrating Asparagus. Yes, this tasty vegetable sensation has it's own holiday weekend here in Abu Dhabi. Too bad my dance card is already filled or I would work this timeless bit of heaven into my plans...
The customer did actually like what I told him and they have need of over $1million in valves for some projects coming up. He wants to use our product, so I believe the extra time, effort and expense may have been worth it. I later met with the owner of my company, who happened to be in Dubai this week also, and he wants me to plan a trip to Cairo, Bangladesh, Syria, Palestine, ......hey!!!, is he trying to get rid of me??
Anyway, I am done in the Middle East for this trip, and my flight BACK to Singapore leaves bright and early at 2:45AM tomorrow morning. I get the pleasure of spending some quality time with my knees which will be tucked under my chin. I then stay in Singapore for a half a day and then fly to Tokyo and on to Houston. Life just doesn't get any better than this. Of course, I also like rancid milk....So Gwen, please pick me up at the International Terminal "D" at Bush, on Tuesday, May 28th at 1:45PM. Please have some crowd control arranged for. I know how Houstonians love to greet a returning hero. I will try to call you from Tokyo to reconfirm that you are still married to me. It will probably be in the middle of the night for you, so tell the sailors to expect a call.
This may be the last report from your intrepid traveler, dear reader, unless something interesting happens. But why should things change now? I took a few photos during this adventure and hope to create a photo essay of the trip. I am sure a Pulitzer is in there somewhere. So it is onward and upward on Air Jihad.
Signing off for now, Bill
I have lost my cell phone and a credit card on this trip, so if bad things happen in threes, I can hardly wait for the third thing. Maybe my wife....Gwen has been very patient with me up until now.... Before this trip came up, we had planned to take a short vacation after she got out of school for the semester and before her summer school started. Well, the day she got out of school I left on this trip and now I won't get home until her summer school starts. So I guess I'll start planning on doing a planning.
Another report from your intrepid traveler...
I have now changed time zones for the 6th time on this trip. I was supposed to return to Houston May 22nd but my Middle East office asked me to come to Dubai, in the United Arab Emirates, to put on a presentation with a potential customer. And hey, I was in the neighborhood, just 7 hours and $700 away by Emirates Airlines (fondly known as Air Jihad to some people), so I delayed my trip home. As a side note, on one of my in-flight meals I was provided with eating utensils, as would be expected. But with all the security concerns that abound in the airline industry, it seemed strange to me that they provided all plastic forks and spoons EXCEPT a metal knife. I figured it was a trick so I did NOT commandeer the plane with my knife.
But I digress... I am now in sunny Dubai, where it is a balmy 42 degrees centigrade IN THE SHADE. (That's 108 degrees F to you roundeyed westerners) But, THERE IS NO SHADE since nothing will grow in this gawd-awful land of ragheaded, sheet wearing, camel jockeys. To illustrate just how hot it is, there was an automobile company, Citroen, who sold their first car in Dubai which featured a sloping windshield that allowed sunlight to cheerfully fill the vehicle. The problem was that, with all that glass, the heat building up in the car caused the dash board and the steering wheel to melt like cheese in a microwave oven. So much for style over function.. I wanted to try the old "fry an egg on the sidewalk trick", but the chickens here all lay hardboiled eggs...
I got up at 5AM this morning to drive to Abu Dhabi, the capital of the seven Emirates (a loose confederation of city states) to see the customer that this segment of the trip was dedicated to. We ate breakfast in Abu Dhabi, at a very nice hotel restaurant. They think a little differently here in the Middle East...maybe it's the heat, but I saw a big poster of an upcoming festival....celebrating Asparagus. Yes, this tasty vegetable sensation has it's own holiday weekend here in Abu Dhabi. Too bad my dance card is already filled or I would work this timeless bit of heaven into my plans...
The customer did actually like what I told him and they have need of over $1million in valves for some projects coming up. He wants to use our product, so I believe the extra time, effort and expense may have been worth it. I later met with the owner of my company, who happened to be in Dubai this week also, and he wants me to plan a trip to Cairo, Bangladesh, Syria, Palestine, ......hey!!!, is he trying to get rid of me??
Anyway, I am done in the Middle East for this trip, and my flight BACK to Singapore leaves bright and early at 2:45AM tomorrow morning. I get the pleasure of spending some quality time with my knees which will be tucked under my chin. I then stay in Singapore for a half a day and then fly to Tokyo and on to Houston. Life just doesn't get any better than this. Of course, I also like rancid milk....So Gwen, please pick me up at the International Terminal "D" at Bush, on Tuesday, May 28th at 1:45PM. Please have some crowd control arranged for. I know how Houstonians love to greet a returning hero. I will try to call you from Tokyo to reconfirm that you are still married to me. It will probably be in the middle of the night for you, so tell the sailors to expect a call.
This may be the last report from your intrepid traveler, dear reader, unless something interesting happens. But why should things change now? I took a few photos during this adventure and hope to create a photo essay of the trip. I am sure a Pulitzer is in there somewhere. So it is onward and upward on Air Jihad.
Signing off for now, Bill
I have lost my cell phone and a credit card on this trip, so if bad things happen in threes, I can hardly wait for the third thing. Maybe my wife....Gwen has been very patient with me up until now.... Before this trip came up, we had planned to take a short vacation after she got out of school for the semester and before her summer school started. Well, the day she got out of school I left on this trip and now I won't get home until her summer school starts. So I guess I'll start planning on doing a planning.
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