Man of Steel

Man of Steel

Greetings, Gentle Readers. Today’s story takes place in the heart of the Mid-west, specifically the state of Ohio. This is where my father’s ancestors decided, for better or worse, to procreate. Had they known that their brief carnal activity would continue the lineage that would lead to the birth of this author, they undoubtedly would have remained celibate. If my ancestor’s neighbors could have foretold the future, they would have wielded pitchforks and torches and chased my kinfolk out of the area before any marriage consummation could occur. But we cannot undo what fate and DNA hath wrought. The best way for me to do no further damage to my fellow man is to stay occupied writing this drivel rather than contribute to society.

One of the neat things about my job, in addition to standing shoeless on the cold linoleum floor of an airport security line, is getting to see sites that the ordinary citizen does not get to see. One of the highlights of the Ohio trip was getting to go inside the AK Steel Mill in Middletown, Ohio. I didn’t know we were going to make sales calls at a steel mill, so I did not bring my hardhat, safety shoes and fire retardant suit.. Silly me. So I had to borrow all this paraphernalia from my fellow salesman, who, luckily was also a tall person. He handed me a bright lime green fire-retardant jumpsuit. It fit OK, and the hardhat was adjustable, but the boots were another story. His steel toed boots were two sizes smaller than my feet. This might have been tolerable for a few steps but we ended up walking all over the steel mill for the next couple of hours. I had to learn to walk with my toes curled up under my feet, taking short, hoppy steps like a geisha girl walking on glass shards. I am sure I was the picture of professionalism. I looked like a giant scrawny Lima bean with a hardhat and bug-eyed goggles, limping delicately through the maze of stairs and walkways.

Inside the mill, it looked just like a science fiction movie set. The building was a gigantic rust colored hulk, about 5 stories tall. I was told it was two thirds of a mile long. We crawled over cat walks and under thousands of wires and pipes in the dim light. I half expected the creature from the movie Alien to drop down on me. I wore hearing protection but the mechanical noises inside the facility were still deafening.

In this mill they flatten large billets of steel into thinner plate. I saw one of the giant oven doors open up and spit out a monstrous slab of red-hot steel, about the length and width of a city bus, and a foot thick. It landed on a track of rollers and was headed to the rolling mills to be flattened further. This hunk of steel weighted 77,000 pounds and was traveling at 15 miles per hour along the rollers. It glowed like a caution light on a foggy night. As it traveled thru each rolling station, there was a set of fire hose-like nozzles that blasted the red hot steel with water. This high pressure water jet removed the surface impurities from the steel before it was rolled thinner. A massive steam cloud was produced as the water hit the hot metal. I wanted to follow the slab of steel to the next rolling station but my toes protested. I would rather be given a bikini wax from Leatherface than take any unnecessary steps so I watched the steel roll on thru the facility from a distance.

It was an interesting visit. I now feel like a real U.S. American. Watching real U.S. American men working in the heartland of U.S. America was quite a thrill. I now speak with a Yankee accent and sound like a dockworker. I hope to repeat the visit in the future.. My doctor says that some day the feeling may returns to my toes and the nails should grow back in. My ancestors would have been proud….unless they had seen the lime green jumpsuit.