Hola ! Cuba !

Hola !  Cuba !

Photo courtesy of Lonely Planet.  Maybe a change in deodorant

would keep it from being as lonely?  Just a suggestion.

After many years, Americans are again able to travel to Cuba under a new 'people-to-people' program authorized by the U.S. Treasury Department.  The program provides an opportunity to interact with Cubans through educational exchanges concerning art, music, culture, and more. According to the Treasury dept.’s “Office of Asset Control”, you have to be part of a cultural group in order to travel to Cuba.  You have to either be there to promote our culture or to educate. 

I am certainly willing to export U.S. Culture.  I would love to take saggy pants, facial piercings, fire ants, and belly fat from the U.S. and leave all of that in Cuba.  But there still might be slivers of those elements left in the states that would re-propagate, like the creature in “The Thing” movie, so my efforts would probably be wasted.

All the travel buzz got me to thinking about making a trip to Cuba.  It is my understanding that the country is almost as if it were frozen in time, to back when the U.S. embargo took effect in the Eisenhower administration.  Due to the embargo they have not been able to get replacement parts for the American cars that were in the country or any new vehicles, so they have thousands of Cold War era cars still in day to day use. Also, much of the pre- Spanish revolutionary architecture, although crumbling, is still intact.  The time to see all this may be now, before it is too Americanized and there is a McDonalds and Starbucks on every corner.   

I started reading up on the tours that were being offered by several tour companies.  All of the tours use Miami as the starting point.  Some were all inclusive and offered five star accommodations while in Cuba.  Of course, Five Star means different things in different countries.  In Cuba, Five Star means you get your own bed, on Tuesdays.

It is only a 45 minute flight from the U.S. mainland to Havana, but they say to get to the airport 4 hours ahead of the flight.  Expect to spend a lot of time in various lines behind people bringing suitcases full of car parts, flatscreen TVs and spandex to needy relatives on the island.  It is sad to think that the lack of spandex has hurt the economic development of an entire nation.

Here is a sampling of some of the Tours that I found to be available for the American tourist:

Old Havana Tour: Here you get to visit the old haunts of Hemingway.  And see the living conditions that made him become an alcoholic which lead to his suicide.  See the way Havanans lived before Polio was cured or computers were invented.  Good luck in finding an internet connection, or for that matter a working telephone.  See what it is like to have the government tend to your every wish, as long as you are only wishing for a Soviet era cinder block one room house.  Find out firsthand what life was like without air conditioning, potable water, and septic systems.  And then realize this is the modern part of Havana you have been dropped off in. 

Dive Tour:  This is not your sissy, modern day dive trip.  Instead of proper breathing equipment, they have borrowed the concept from what they saw in a 1960’s Disney movie about Captain Nemo, and provide you a giant nautilus shell to go over your head to breathe from.  They fill your sneakers with lead weights and toss you overboard.  You will instantly be surrounded by the beautiful island coral reefs.  It is suggested not kick your feet too vigorously lest you nick a leg on the razor edged coral.  Sharks, like lawyers, can smell American blood from 2 miles away.  If you need additional air in your nautilus diving helmet, just squeeze a puffer-fish into your shell, and hope the fish does not have bad breath.  For an extra 1,000 pesos, you get a rescue rope to pull yourself back to the surface.

The “red scare” tour:  you get to revisit Havana just as it was during the Cuban Missile crisis.  Here you are escorted thru the original bomb shelter that Fidel and his minions used.  It is buried 50 meters underground with a self-contained air filtration system, fresh water supply and luxury accommodations.  The general population was also protected from nuclear war by being provided long sleeve shirts, hats and a Geiger counter. You will see the actual red hot line phone that instantly connected the Castro Government to the White House.  But, just like in 1961, the phone is not actually plugged into a phone line.  Oops.

Day one -   You get to see historic newsreel footage from those dark days when the U.S. and the Soviet Union were on the brink of war, and Cuba was right in the middle of it.  You get to relive the times by being forced at gunpoint to do an all-day duck and cover drill.

Day two -   You are given an actual Cuban Cigar.  Instructions are to hold it in an open window. If it ignites on its own then that means thermonuclear war has begun.  There will be no day three.

The President Carter Mariel boat-lift tour:  You fly from Miami to Havana (flight not included in tour price). You are immediately loaded onto a barge, at bayonet point, along with a load of convicted murderers that Fidel Castro has just “pardoned”.  These former prisoners are joined with those who were just released from the Havana insane asylum. You are all going on a spontaneous, fun filled expedition back to Florida.  Some of you will be given a complementary bottle of water and a can of used motor oil for sun screen.   With any luck, and clear skies, the U.S. Coastguard will pick you and your float mates up within a week or two.  

A special version of this trip is only offered in July thru September, during hurricane season.  You will be given your own exclusive inner tube and an umbrella.  If a hurricane does hit, with any luck you will be blown back to Miami in 24 hours.

What is legal to bring back from Cuba, other than bed bugs or sunburn?  Under the new regulations, U.S. visitors to Cuba can legally bring $100 of Cuba's coveted cigars home with them. The problem is most boxes of Cuban cigars in state-run stores sell for much more than $100, with a box of premium Cohiba cigars usually going for over $400.  You can of course buy cigars (most likely fakes according to a popular travel site) for much less from the throng of black market sellers who stake out hotels pestering tourists. But those contraband smokes typically don't come with receipts. My question is, if you are in Cuba, and they make cigars in Cuba, why would a street vender sell you fake ones?  Are they made with floor sweepings?   You are gonna burn them anyway, so what is the difference?  You can tell I am not a cigar aficionado.  Frequent travelers to Cuba say that they have brought back a box or two to the United States without experiencing any issues.  Maybe you should hide them in bundles of marijuana or explosives to get them thru U.S. Customs.

I don’t know if I will ever make the trip to Cuba. I am not sure if I am up for the challenge to be one of America’s cultural exchangers.  I am not sure I have enough luggage to do that.  But it does seem like a fast way to flit away thousands of dollars.  If I do make the trip, and if I live to write about it, you will see it here, along with an advertisement for genuine Cuban, wink, wink cigars.