Weary of Technology

  Please call back,  Mr. Locksmith.

Weary of technology

The other day, as I was speeding thru a Hospital zone, steering with my knees while eating a burger and holding a large drink, I realized I was not heading in the right direction for my destination.  My automobile’s GPS device had failed me again.  ARRRGH.  I get very frustrated when electronic gizmos don’t work right. 

So, I decided to try the new directions application on my phone.  I pitted one electronic device against another, my smart phone versus the vehicle GPS, to see if at least ONE of them could find the location.   I pulled over and stopped.  I could not hold the phone and drive since both hands were occupied with the burger and drink.  I needed to pull over anyway since a cop car with its flashing lights on was right behind me.  I guessed he wanted to pass. 

I did not know how to use the map application on the phone, so I started pecking around on the tiny little keyboard.  Why are those letters and numbers so small anyway?  Does the phone maker think we have school kid sized fingers?  What school kid could afford this phone anyway?   My large manly fingers constantly hit the wrong keys, and I really struggle to type on this thing.   I tried to start over when I got to a new screen I had not seen before.   It said “Welcome to Wiri”.  Wiri?  Is this my phone’s version of Siri? 

Suddenly the phone dinged and a voice came out that startled me.  The disembodied voice said, “Hey this is Wiri.  I am s’pose to say that.  What do you want, anyway, Smuck?”   The voice on Wiri, sounded like a cranky old New York man, who could not be bothered to help me.  This was the voice response gizmo on my phone. I thought I’d try it out.

Me:  “Hello Wiri?  Do I just ask you questions?”

Wiri:  “Hey Smuck, This ain’t a good time to train you.  I am tryin to take a nap here”.

Me:  “Sorry.  But can you tell me where I am?”   

Wiri:  “You really don’t know that, Kid?  You are in Loserville. Kid.   Get used to it.  And you are a big disappointment to your muther, too”

Me:  “Whaaa?”  I was dumbfounded by this crabby voice.  “What does my mother have to do….Look, Just tell me where I am”.

Wiri:  “ Whad do I look like, anyway?  Like a @#$% encyclopedia atlas for crying out loud?  You thinks I gotta road map stuffed up my…”

Just then I heard a rapping noise on the driver’s window glass.  I looked up and saw a cop, tapping on the glass with his nightstick, and motioning me to lower the window.

Cop:  “Sir, did you know you were speeding thru a Hospital zone back there?” 

Wiri:  “Hey, what business is it of yours, anyway Bub?   I am Wiri, dammit.  Wiri!  Can’t yous see I’m trying to take a nap here?”

The police officer looked at me like I was an idiot.  Like I was the only person who had not heard about all the cop shootings and violence against them.  He was suddenly on a razors edge of sensitivity.

Cop:  “Sir, you need to step out of the car”

Me:   I suddenly knew that he thought I had said that to him.  “Officer that was not me that said that, I’m not Wiri”

. 

Cop:  “Oh so now you are suddenly awake and alert, huh?  No longer weary?  Get out of the car and put your hands on the hood”.

Wiri:  “Hands? So now you think I have hands, Smuck?   Are you blind as well as dumb?”

Cop:  “Excuse me?”

This verbal interaction with the police officer was deteriorating very quickly.  Fortunately the smart phone battery died before the Officer’s night stick interacted with my forehead.  So much for using the smart phone for navigation.  Turns out I did not need to find the location I was searching for anyway.  My plans were changed.  I was done driving for the day.  The cop gave me a ride … to the police station.  It did not matter that the battery died, since the black ink now on my fingers would have smudged that tiny little keyboard anyway.

Who knew Hospital zones had low speed limits?  And why were there wheel chairs in the cross walk I just went thru? And who knew that discussing the matter with the cop while trying to finish my meal was not conducive to a positive outcome for me?  Maybe I should have offered him some fries.  He could think of them as slender donuts.

Now I wish I had my smart phone and the charger.  I have plenty of time to play with it and learn about these aps while I am in this holding cell.  I could even have Wiri make my one phone call.  I am sure it knows a good New York lawyer.