found in the archives and never published:

originally written in Nov 2016

NOTES, GOALS, AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS FOR THIS YEAR ENDING 2016

(some original, some modified, some stolen, all are appropriate for me)

·       My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

·       Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. OK, I admit it, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

·       I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

·       How to prepare Tofu:   a) Open package, b) Throw it in the trash. c) Grill some meat

·       I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

·       A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

·       Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk nine feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

·       Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

·       Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Me neither.

·       I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

·       I love being over 60. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

·       A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money, so I got up and searched with him.

·       November 4, 2019 will be the end of Daylight Savings Time. Don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

·       Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

·       I am like the mythical Jackalope – part antelope and part jack rabbit, no one is certain that I really exist.   However, I have been described a bit differently by some:   part jack ass and part jack ass.

·       I am a recent graduate from the Jerry Springer School for Anger Management.  May I borrow your chair?