NSA releases private text messages

NSA releases private text messages.  Needs public’s help.

Washington D.C. - The National Security Agency, the NSA, is the secret governmental agency that the world became aware of, thanks to Mr. Edward Snowden, who exposed the NSA’s program to monitor every telephone and email transmission.  Recently the NSA inexplicably released to the public the text messages between two private citizens, identified only as:  Your Intrepid Traveler, Bill, and his wife Gwen, the fetching Mrs. Intrepid Traveler. The story was that Bill was returning from a business trip and had a short layover in Tokyo due to canceled flight. This was a convenient, yet implausible cover story, based on the intercepted text messages.  

The rambling messages between husband and wife, were analyzed by the NSA.  It was determined that there had to be imbedded code words in the communications regarding state secrets from Japan, which is the United States’ most important strategic partner in Asia.  It was feared that this information, once decoded, could have devastating effects on the relationship between these two great nations.  

The presumed accidental leaking of these text messages have left many people wondering how this data breach occurred.  However, it is now being reported that the NSA, puzzled by the odd messages, took the extraordinary steps to ask the public for assistance to interpret these communications.  Please help.  Tell the NSA what these mysterious messages might mean. You do not need to contact the NSA.  Just speak slowly and carefully into your phone.  The NSA is listening.

Beginning of text messages, apparently while boarding the plane from Mumbai to Tokyo:

G- I hope you don’t have culture shock when u get to Japan.

B – Me? Surely you jest.  I have no culture to get shocked.     B - How do you say thank you in Japanese?

G – Arigato:  sorta like saying alligator only more choppy, and without the swamp.

B - How do you say “we’re all counting on you“, in Japanese?

G- If a train is leaving Philly at 2.3 miles per hour and a plane is leaving Mumbai at 544 mph, what are the chances that your flight is canceled?

B- 100%?  Gotta Go.  Luv u

G - I love you too.

Text messages traveling from Narita Airport to Tokyo, Japan:

B – Just landed at Narita.  On the taxi way….no culture shock yet.

G- Give it time.   Maybe you’re too shocked to know you’re shocked

B- Japanese flight attendant thanked us for “frying”.   I thought I smelled cooking.

G – Watch out, they’ll Roos your Ruggage!

B – You are sooo uncultured.  There are no kangaroos here.

G – Just big cuddly Koalas

G – My phone can’t do numbers and punctuation at the same time.

B – Damn phone.  Mine can’t talk and chew gum at the same time.

Later text messages from train going from Airport to city center:

B- I am on the express train to Tokyo.  When I bought the ticket the lady said where to?  I said to buy a cup of coffee.  She said R U crazy?  I think she was Canadian

B – I think I spotted Joshua.  Isn’t he Caucasian?

B – It’s a lot darker over here than in TX.  Oh wait, we were in a tunnel.

B – Lots of agriculture here.   Don’t they use human waste for fertilizer?  Remind me not to eat any raw vegetables .

B – How do you like my running commentary?   You wouldn’t get this kind of reporting from Tom Brokaw.   

B-   Where R the pandas?

G – You are not in the right country for Pandas.  This damn phone hardly knows any words.

B – I know…They are all vegetarians here.  They only eat Pandas in China

G- I worked out in the woods today.  Now I am going to have a hot bath and a bourbon and soda.

B – Wait for me!

B - This is a very quiet train.  I guess because everyone is wearing surgical masks.  I feel so naked without one.

G – I am sure they are in wonder at seeing a big Texan

B – They wonder about me.  You are correct.

G – Don’t you have other people you should be texting?  I hate to monopolize all your humor.

B – You are the only one who doesn’t charge me $ to text to.  And I only have 2 thumbs.    One is cramping up.

G – They must think you are sending important messages to many business associates.

B – MUST.  CONTINUE.  TO.  TEXT.  TO.  YOU.  UNTIL. BOTH.   GIVE   OUT.

B- Actually there is hardly anyone on the train.  I was hoping to be wedged in there with a 1,000 other travelers, like I’ve seen on TV, but no.  I guess I should delete that from my bucket list.

G – Here are some words I am trying to teach my phone:  texting, panda, Texan, and damn.  Guess which one I say the most while trying to use this phone?

B – Probably Damn.  ?  Was that a trick question?

G – If I texted it as often as I say it, those keys would quit working.  OK, Texan it doesn’t know. But when I want to say keys, it suggests Jews.  I wish I could capitalize letters.  I can’t do emoticons either. So imagine a sad face here.

B – OK, get a better phone or learn to shout really loudly.    

B - The houses along the track are cement block with tile roofs.  How can I play Godzilla and rip off a roof if it is not made of paper?   

B - Do you read Japanese left to right?  Never mind.  I can’t read the Characters anyway.

G– I think right to left, top to bottom.  I did not know you could read.

B – We just went thru a train station.  All the people waiting looked like zombie’s who were headed into surgery.

G – Why would zombies need surgery?  It’s not like they’re gonna get any better.

B – Good point.  Maybe the surgical mask is just a fashion statement.

B – If a zombie and a vampire were fighting, who would win?     This is just a rhetorical question.  We know they really get along well

G – If they were old fashioned slow zombies the vampires would win.  Modern quick zombies. Like in WWZ?  My $ is on the zombies.

B- You are putting way too much thinking into that.  Have another drink

G – Is it legal to put maraschino cherries into a bourbon and soda?  Cause I just did.  Yeah, that’s the kind of wild thing I do when you’re not around.

B – You live on the edge.  This is why I love you …You make me feel alive.

B – Don’t wait for me to stop texting.  You can take your bath. I will keep going even after my battery dies.  That’s what a professional does.

B – They sell Toyotas here!  Those cars are everywhere.

G- Wow, I finally found the magic secret of attraction. Maraschino cherries in bourbon.  I’ll have to tell Dr. Phil

B – You are gonna have to explain that attraction statement to me.  Who did you attract and can you keep him there until I get home and load my pistol?

B. –Dr. Phil is a bartender?  You need a degree for that job these days?

G – I can’t text you from the tub.  I will get electrocuted.  Or would it be Electron-cuted?

B - I am shocked to hear that.

G- It’s getting to the point where I am dreading having to use a vocabulary word because my phone won’t know it, and all my vocabulary words are really long.

B – Truly.     Dumb yourself down for me

B – I have been on this train for an hour.  I did not know Japan was this large.

G – It’s the size of CA with the same number of people as the whole US.  All crammed together!

B – California?  Is Arnold their Governator?

B – Maybe I should buy you a new phone here.  Do they use cell phones in Japan?  Cameras?

G – I guess I could try a Japanese phone.  It would make a nice change from this Chinese piece of doo-doo.

B – Gwen!  Please!  This is a family friendly phone!

G – So, where are u going?  Will you be back in time for your flight?

B – I may not come back.   Here I am a God.

B – Guess what, I am almost out of battery.  You are now off the hook and can take your bath.

G - Watch out for the Sta-Puft marshmallow man. Guess which word in that sentence I had to teach my phone?

B- Man?  Or Stay?  I’ve always had a hard time teaching my phone to “Stay.”

B- I am really stopping now

Texting while walking around downtown Tokyo

B- I am gonna go up and stick my head out of this underground tunnel, like a gopher.

G – I still don’t know where you’re going. Just in case I hear about an American causing an incident.

B- I am here to buy a cup of coffee.  Then go back to my ordinary world.  This is like Brigadoon.

G – OK, say goodbye to 22bucks!...Ohh, Ohh!  Buy some Kimono Fabric.

B- I can’t hear you….  Losing the signal…  I did not know Kimono dragons wore fabric

G – What city are you in?  Tokyo?

B- Tokyo, or maybe Detroit? I was texting and not watching the road signs.

G- Oh, Good to know, have fun, Brodie.

B – They serve good strong coffee here. Everyone drinks it. It must be true that caffeine stunts your growth.

G– Have they started surrounding you and gesturing in awe at your enormous height, yet?

B – They have surrounded me with 10Ft bamboo poles.  Is that the local custom?

G – Ask them where the local Kimono shops are.

B – There are McDonalds and 7-11 stores.  Thank god America has been able to bring a little culture over here.

B – I found a Kimono fabric shop.  When you get close turns out the fabric is just burlap.  Who knew?

G – Bring me a sample so I can show everybody over here.. They won’t believe it unless I show them.

.B – I’ve had my coffee.  Now I have one hour to endear myself to the population and have them offer me the key to the city.

And after returning to Narita Airport:

B – I am back at the airport in case you had any concerns, which apparently you did not, thank you very much!

G- I only asked you where you were going three different times to no avail. I may add.

B – I went to T O K Y O.  It is a large city in Japan.  I had coffee.  It was good.   I successfully returned to the airport.  My story is almost over for this trip.  I could use a shower, I suppose.

G – OK, I’m going to sleep so I will be ready for your return tomorrow.

B – Sleep well, See u soon.

End of intercepted transmissions

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