NSA releases private text messages. Needs public’s help.
Washington
D.C. - The National Security Agency, the NSA, is the secret governmental agency
that the world became aware of, thanks to Mr. Edward Snowden, who exposed the
NSA’s program to monitor every telephone and email transmission. Recently the NSA inexplicably released to the
public the text messages between two private citizens, identified only as: Your Intrepid Traveler, Bill, and his wife
Gwen, the fetching Mrs. Intrepid Traveler. The story was that Bill was
returning from a business trip and had a short layover in Tokyo due to canceled
flight. This was a convenient, yet implausible cover story, based on the
intercepted text messages.
The rambling
messages between husband and wife, were analyzed by the NSA. It was determined that there had to be imbedded code words in the communications
regarding state secrets from Japan, which is the United States’ most important
strategic partner in Asia. It was feared
that this information, once decoded, could have devastating effects on the
relationship between these two great nations.
The presumed
accidental leaking of these text messages have left many people wondering how
this data breach occurred. However, it
is now being reported that the NSA, puzzled by the odd messages, took the
extraordinary steps to ask the public for assistance to interpret these
communications. Please help. Tell the NSA what these mysterious messages
might mean. You do not need to contact the NSA.
Just speak slowly and carefully into your phone. The NSA is listening.
Beginning of text messages,
apparently while boarding the plane from Mumbai to Tokyo:
G- I hope
you don’t have culture shock when u get to Japan.
B – Me?
Surely you jest. I have no culture to
get shocked. B - How do you say thank
you in Japanese?
G – Arigato: sorta like saying alligator only more choppy,
and without the swamp.
B - How do
you say “we’re all counting on you“, in Japanese?
G- If a
train is leaving Philly at 2.3 miles per hour and a plane is leaving Mumbai at
544 mph, what are the chances that your flight is canceled?
B-
100%? Gotta Go. Luv u
G - I love
you too.
Text messages traveling from Narita
Airport to Tokyo, Japan:
B – Just
landed at Narita. On the taxi way….no
culture shock yet.
G- Give it
time. Maybe you’re too shocked to know
you’re shocked
B- Japanese
flight attendant thanked us for “frying”. I thought I smelled cooking.
G – Watch
out, they’ll Roos your Ruggage!
B – You are
sooo uncultured. There are no kangaroos
here.
G – Just big
cuddly Koalas
G – My phone
can’t do numbers and punctuation at the same time.
B – Damn
phone. Mine can’t talk and chew gum at
the same time.
Later text messages from train going
from Airport to city center:
B- I am on
the express train to Tokyo. When I bought
the ticket the lady said where to? I
said to buy a cup of coffee. She said R
U crazy? I think she was Canadian
B – I think
I spotted Joshua. Isn’t he Caucasian?
B – It’s a
lot darker over here than in TX. Oh wait,
we were in a tunnel.
B – Lots of
agriculture here. Don’t they use human waste for fertilizer? Remind me not to eat any raw vegetables .
B – How do
you like my running commentary? You wouldn’t get this kind of reporting from
Tom Brokaw.
B- Where R the pandas?
G – You are
not in the right country for Pandas.
This damn phone hardly knows any words.
B – I
know…They are all vegetarians here. They
only eat Pandas in China
G- I worked out
in the woods today. Now I am going to
have a hot bath and a bourbon and soda.
B – Wait for
me!
B - This is
a very quiet train. I guess because
everyone is wearing surgical masks. I
feel so naked without one.
G – I am
sure they are in wonder at seeing a big Texan
B – They
wonder about me. You are correct.
G – Don’t
you have other people you should be texting?
I hate to monopolize all your humor.
B – You are
the only one who doesn’t charge me $ to text to. And I only have 2 thumbs. One is cramping up.
G – They
must think you are sending important messages to many business associates.
B – MUST. CONTINUE. TO. TEXT.
TO. YOU. UNTIL.
BOTH. GIVE OUT.
B- Actually
there is hardly anyone on the train. I was
hoping to be wedged in there with a 1,000 other travelers, like I’ve seen on
TV, but no. I guess I should delete that
from my bucket list.
G – Here are
some words I am trying to teach my phone:
texting, panda, Texan, and damn. Guess
which one I say the most while trying to use this phone?
B – Probably
Damn. ?
Was that a trick question?
G – If I
texted it as often as I say it, those keys would quit working. OK, Texan it doesn’t know. But when I want to
say keys, it suggests Jews. I wish I
could capitalize letters. I can’t do emoticons
either. So imagine a sad face here.
B – OK, get
a better phone or learn to shout really loudly.
B - The
houses along the track are cement block with tile roofs. How can I play Godzilla and rip off a roof if
it is not made of paper?
B - Do you
read Japanese left to right? Never
mind. I can’t read the Characters
anyway.
G– I think
right to left, top to bottom. I did not
know you could read.
B – We just
went thru a train station. All the people
waiting looked like zombie’s who were headed into surgery.
G – Why
would zombies need surgery? It’s not
like they’re gonna get any better.
B – Good
point. Maybe the surgical mask is just a
fashion statement.
B – If a
zombie and a vampire were fighting, who would win? This
is just a rhetorical question. We know
they really get along well
G – If they
were old fashioned slow zombies the vampires would win. Modern quick zombies. Like in WWZ? My $ is on the zombies.
B- You are
putting way too much thinking into that.
Have another drink
G – Is it legal
to put maraschino cherries into a bourbon and soda? Cause I just did. Yeah, that’s the kind of wild thing I do when
you’re not around.
B – You live
on the edge. This is why I love you …You
make me feel alive.
B – Don’t
wait for me to stop texting. You can
take your bath. I will keep going even after my battery dies. That’s what a professional does.
B – They
sell Toyotas here! Those cars are everywhere.
G- Wow, I
finally found the magic secret of attraction. Maraschino cherries in bourbon. I’ll have to tell Dr. Phil
B – You are gonna
have to explain that attraction statement to me. Who did you attract and can you keep him
there until I get home and load my pistol?
B. –Dr. Phil
is a bartender? You need a degree for
that job these days?
G – I can’t
text you from the tub. I will get
electrocuted. Or would it be
Electron-cuted?
B - I am
shocked to hear that.
G- It’s getting
to the point where I am dreading having to use a vocabulary word because my
phone won’t know it, and all my vocabulary words are really long.
B – Truly. Dumb
yourself down for me
B – I have
been on this train for an hour. I did
not know Japan was this large.
G – It’s the
size of CA with the same number of people as the whole US. All crammed together!
B – California? Is Arnold their Governator?
B – Maybe I
should buy you a new phone here. Do they
use cell phones in Japan? Cameras?
G – I guess
I could try a Japanese phone. It would
make a nice change from this Chinese piece of doo-doo.
B – Gwen! Please!
This is a family friendly phone!
G – So,
where are u going? Will you be back in
time for your flight?
B – I may
not come back. Here I am a God.
B – Guess
what, I am almost out of battery. You
are now off the hook and can take your bath.
G - Watch
out for the Sta-Puft marshmallow man. Guess which word in that sentence I had
to teach my phone?
B- Man? Or Stay?
I’ve always had a hard time teaching my phone to “Stay.”
B- I am
really stopping now
Texting while walking around downtown
Tokyo
B- I am gonna
go up and stick my head out of this underground tunnel, like a gopher.
G – I still
don’t know where you’re going. Just in case I hear about an American causing an
incident.
B- I am here
to buy a cup of coffee. Then go back to
my ordinary world. This is like Brigadoon.
G – OK, say goodbye
to 22bucks!...Ohh, Ohh! Buy some Kimono
Fabric.
B- I can’t
hear you…. Losing the signal… I did not know Kimono dragons wore fabric
G – What
city are you in? Tokyo?
B- Tokyo, or
maybe Detroit? I was texting and not watching the road signs.
G- Oh, Good
to know, have fun, Brodie.
B – They
serve good strong coffee here. Everyone drinks it. It must be true that
caffeine stunts your growth.
G– Have they
started surrounding you and gesturing in awe at your enormous height, yet?
B – They
have surrounded me with 10Ft bamboo poles.
Is that the local custom?
G – Ask them
where the local Kimono shops are.
B – There
are McDonalds and 7-11 stores. Thank god
America has been able to bring a little culture over here.
B – I found
a Kimono fabric shop. When you get close
turns out the fabric is just burlap. Who
knew?
G – Bring me
a sample so I can show everybody over here.. They won’t believe it unless I show
them.
.B – I’ve
had my coffee. Now I have one hour to
endear myself to the population and have them offer me the key to the city.
And after returning to Narita Airport:
B – I am
back at the airport in case you had any concerns, which apparently you did not,
thank you very much!
G- I only asked
you where you were going three different times to no avail. I may add.
B – I went
to T O K Y O. It is a large city in
Japan. I had coffee. It was good.
I successfully returned to the airport.
My story is almost over for this trip.
I could use a shower, I suppose.
G – OK, I’m going
to sleep so I will be ready for your return tomorrow.
B – Sleep
well, See u soon.
End of intercepted transmissions
