All the News that’s fit to plagiarize

All the News that’s fit to plagiarize, satirize, or bastardize, from the Sub-Continent.

 

“First, don’t do anything stupid…unlike the American voters”

Today’s headlines, ripped from real life fiction.  Yes, Gentle Readers, it’s time for another installment of news from India, the Sub-Continent.  The term “Sub-Continent” became popular after the Brits took over vast land holdings in India.  They used the land to grow submarine sandwiches, which had been popularized by King Jared of England, who lost 50 stone weight by eating a diet of only submarine sandwiches.  This was later referred to as the Paleo diet, because all Englishmen have a rather pale complexion.

International terrorist news - An Al Qaeda spokesman, recently interviewed, lamented the lost glory days when they had a monopoly on terror.  Comparisons have been made of Al Qaeda being like the Microsoft monopoly of the terrorist world, when it was revealed that Al Qaeda means “Windows” when translated into English.  The version Al Qaeda 8.0, had a software glitch that allowed Navy Seal hackers to penetrate the Operations security system. The new Management at the firm have recently released an upgrade:  Al Qaeda 8.1, where the “start” button has been replaced by the “sword” button to euphemistically end the program.  In the “72 virgins edition”, they have the same button but labeled “detonation”.  You only push that button once.

Al Qaeda’s competitor in the terrorism industry is a newly formed organization known as I-SIS. It has become popular with hip young terror geeks, who claim that the I-SIS operating system is faster, more brutal, and savvier when using social media, like YouTube.  I-SIS even has a corporate logo that looks like an apple.  But everyone knows it is really a hand grenade. The I-SIS campaign to expand market share by stepping over red lines, has seen remarkable results, and they now dominate a new newly defined sales territory, I-Raq.  I-SIS is suddenly very profitable, after venturing into banking and crude oil production.  Next quarter’s corporate goal of I-SIS is to take over a region currently be serviced by another organization.  This new region, if I-SIS is successful, will be re-branded:  I-Srael. 

Political news:  Hillary Clinton was forced to abruptly cancel her India book signing tour due to lack of interest.  This came on the heels of her canceling the U.S. tour promoting her book about being Secretary of State.   Mrs. Clinton still had ten of the original dozen books that were printed for the U.S. market so she brought them to India hoping for a friendlier audience. 

Hillary was infamous for her ill-fated overture to Russia where she gave the Russian President a red “reset” button.  The Russians laughed at Hillary for the idea.  Her failure in India stemmed from a passage in the very last chapter of her book (chapter 2) where she told of giving the Prime Minister of India a smaller version of the red reset button.  In her book she said it was a “red forehead dot reset button”.  The India Prime Minister was not amused.   It was suggested to her that if the book had been printed on softer paper, that sales might have been more robust. There are 1.8 billion people in the country and there is a toilet paper shortage.

Washington D.C. - “Cautioner-in-Chief” Obama urged to do something. – When it came to light that over 100 U.S. citizens are now in Iraq and Syria fighting for ISIS, alarm bells went off in many political circles.  The potential for these individuals to return to the U.S. and cause harm has gotten many conservatives in a lather.  President Obama is being mocked for his “don’t do stupid shit” doctrine, which stemmed from his statement that he still does not have a policy for dealing with ISIS.  A recent headline suggests that there is growing pressure for Obama to abandon his minimalist foreign policy and “to do something stupid”. 

London – UK Cops tell victims to solve own crimes - Victims of petty crimes, like car theft, criminal damage, or dis-embowelment of prostitutes, are told to do their own detective work and investigate their own cases.  A report by the Inspectorate of Constabulary found that this do-it-yourself, or DIY trend was linked to the public’s viewing of certain television shows.  The viewing of TV shows that feature amateur sleuths solving crime, such as ABC’s “Castle”, and the PBS show “This Old Crime Scene” are fostering a new confidence about solving your own crimes, reports an un-named bank robber.  This un-named person happened to be investigating his own recent robbery of a bank.  “I am very close to solving this crime and my suspect is the notorious Al Capon”.  When questioned by a reporter about whether Mr. Capon could have actually done the crime, since he has been deceased for several decades, the investigator said, “Hey, we ought to throw the book at him!  Somebody gotta do the time!”  Mr. Capon was not available for comment.

And finally the lighter side of the news – Is your pet depressed?  Much like humans, your furry companions could also suffer bouts of depression.  What to watch for:  Pets who are withdrawn, have a lack of appetite, changes in sleeping patterns, dullness, or less chatty, These may be signs the pet may be suffering from either depression or from being covered with fur.  If your pet feels abandoned when you leave for a month, then do not let your pet see a calendar, or any multi-part television shows, so they won’t know how long you have been gone.  If your pet does not show signs of improvement after your return, one suggested treatment is to buy your pet his own pet. But make sure your pet is old enough to be responsible for his own pet.  And that your pet has no plans for any extended vacations.