Trinidad

TRINIDAD Nov 17, 2004

Hello Gentle Readers,
Time for another installment of timely tidbits from your Intrepid Traveler.

I am in the country of Trinidad & Tobago, which for you geography neophytes is just north of Venezuela. Trinidad is the larger of the two islands and is roughly twice the land size of Houston with about 1.5mil in population (of humans) and about 150 billion of insects. The good news is that only about half of those have lethal stings. (I am referring to the non-humans) I can’t speak for the percentage of lethal stings available from the humans. As I write this there is something attacking the skin between two of my toes. The little devils know just where the weak spots are in humans. It is always a troubling sign, my non-traveling friends, to arrive in your hotel room and see, prominently displayed in your room, a giant aerosol can of insect killer. At least there were no chalk outlines on the floor from deceased guests, so the bugs must not be THAT bad. (I keep telling myself….) but I digress.

So, why am I here in Jamaica Lite? Well, mon, let me tell you. (said in your best fake Jamaican accent, please). There are opportunities in them thar hills. Actually, waves, since there is a lot of offshore drilling going on in the region. So, always willing to go the extra miles to find an opportunity, I am here to promote my products.

One of the benefits of travel to a tropical paradise like Trinidad is watching the sun glistening on the water from the balcony of your cozy villa. All the rooms in this elegant old world design (read: 70’s style, doubtful to pass building codes, type construction) hotel have magnificent views of the Caribbean. All except mine. If I squint when I sit on my bed I can see a few feet of ocean horizon framed between the peeling masonry wall of the room next to mine and some scraggly bushes. My room is at the very end of a vast network of walkways, stairways, alley ways and wrong ways that I still have yet to navigate successfully from lobby to room. This hotel is built on the side of a hill and seems to be inspired by the “Anti-gravity room” at Six Flags, where you can’t tell which way is up. I need to release a trail of pheromones, like an ant, to be able to find my way back to the lobby. The upside is that since there is no exercise room, I am getting a workout from going up and down the wrong stairways multiple times.

Alcohol can only improve this situation so I am sampling the local brew, Carib Beer. It is their version of Corona. But if you order a Carib with lime, they want to bring you a Corona. What is the deal here? Lime equals Corona? Is that what Corona means? “Beer with a lime”? I sense no country pride in their homegrown beverage. Sad. I will do what I can to improve sales of the local product.

I realize I may come across as a bit negative about Trinidad, but it is actually quite a pleasant place. It cools off at night and the ocean breezes keep the air fresh. There are low, rolling hills and lots of greenspace. It is a lush environment. And the poultry industry must be quite good. I see numerous hand painted signs along the road advertising fresh chickens for sale “with free plucking and gutting!” How can you beat that?

This is quite a departure from the trip I made only last week. I was in the Netherlands and Norway. It sleeted and snowed the days I was in Norway. Going from 30F to 90F in a week is a bit unusual even for this intrepid traveler. But I love the challenge of adaptation. Darwin is my idol. I am planning to evolve into a functional human being any decade now. My lovely wife has been patiently waiting for that to occur. And it seems these insect stings may be hastening the process. I am feeling the need to molt my hard, protective carapace and become a sensitive, caring, male human being. Or….. maybe I just need to order another Carib.

Your intrepid traveler,

Bill

For anyone wanting reprints of the full catalog of Intrepid Traveler Reports, you should be psychologically evaluated. Then send only $499.99 to “DaveBarryWannabe”, attn: Inmate number 14435, Texas Prison System, Huntsville, TX. Or just ask the author for a freebie.