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| Turkmeniswhere? |
No good deed goes unpunished, part 1 of Turkmen trip
A couple of years ago I reported in this very blog that I
had successfully negotiated a complicated deal to provide goods to a Chinese corporation
in exchange for U.S. currency. I guess
it wasn’t that complicated after all since I explained it here in one
sentence. Anyway, I made a big sale, was
a hero to my company and to my bank account.
But there is a saying, coined by someone even more cynical than me, that
no good deed goes unpunished. I am now
scheduled to do what I committed to do, in a moment of enthusiastic bliss, two
years ago. I told my customer that I
would travel to the country where these goods were being shipped and make sure
the local Operations personnel knew how to use our equipment. In hindsight, that was a very bad idea.
At the time of this giddy enthusiasm, I had not actually
looked on a map to see where Turkmenistan was located. Roughly the size of
California, it is 80 percent desert and shares borders with Kazakhstan,
Uzbekistan, Afghanistan, my uncle Stan and Iran. Geez.
Why didn’t I consult a globe before agreeing to go there? The U.S. State department reports that “supporters
of extremist groups such as the Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan, al-Qaida, and
anyone even mildly annoyed by westerners, remain active. These groups have
expressed anti-U.S. sentiments and may attempt to target U.S. Government or
private interests in the region.”
Ya think? Then, as if this next
statement was on equal merit, the article said
“Most taxis are not regulated by
any government licensing agency and drivers may not have had any formal driver
training Many cars will not have seat belts or other safety devices”
Goodness! No formal training? No seat belts! Is this India?
Being in the desert
might be great when I am on vacation, in an air-conditioned vehicle, and if I have
plenty of ice water. But this is shaping
up to be big trouble. I am expected to spend
the next two weeks in the Karakum Desert, which is one of the largest black sand deserts on the planet. The weather will be a bit warm, projected to
be 111 degrees F two days before we arrive.
But it is forecasted to cool off to a balmy 97 degrees for the remaining
days that we will be working…outside….in the sun….. I knew I should have invested heavily in a
sun screen products company. I am about
to be their largest customer. OK, maybe
not their largest, but I am 6 ft 2. I
wonder if it is OK to bathe in that stuff?
How does an older, out of shape fellow, like me, accustomed to using
laser pointers and computer graphics, survive two weeks outdoors, as a
consultant, in one of the hottest, bleakest regions of the world? I don’t even like watching the desert scenes
in the movie “Three Amigos”.
I am reading what I
can about what the country is like. I
googled Tourism in Turkmenistan and there was a list of the top 23 things to do
in the country. #1 on the list was to
LEAVE! …Geez. They have the Darvaza Flaming Crater, an impressive “gas crater” that was the result
of a drilling rig that hit an underground gas pocket, creating a blowout and a
crater. The rig collapsed into the hole
and now it is a giant cauldron of burning gas in the middle of the desert. They call it the “Gateway to Hell”. I would probably call it something else, like
“Welcome to Turkmenistan”. A photo of it
is on every website I found about Turkmenistan.
They are apparently quite proud of it.
Even more proud than the National Museum located in the capital city of
Ashgabat. Here, you get your own
personal tour guide to show you all the fake relics. Yep.
Fake. That is what the guidebook
says. The museum tour guide is there to make
sure you follow their rules and not question the displays. Welcome to Totalitarianism. Maybe the 111 degrees air temperature is fake
too. I can only hope.
So, to sum it
up: The museums…, the burning cauldron…, the
questionable hospitality of local extremist groups…., who could ask for
more? Add in the taxi rides where you
are not required to wear a seat belt and this place sounds like everything a
free spirited intrepid traveler could ask for.
Lip balm, anyone?
